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belenen

June 2017

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (disassociative)
mental illness as a personal monster: being a responsible monster-keeper
icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

When you have a mental illness, it's like you have an amorphous monster that follows you everywhere. If it's depression, it can sit on you like a lead onesie a lot of the time and make it damn hard to move, and it can cover your head and make everything dark and drab. If it's anxiety, it can whisper nasty things to you and sometimes shout them so loud you can't pay attention to anything else. If you have trauma flashbacks it can cover your whole body and force you to watch videos and listen to sound of awful things, and even if you can see through it, you can't stop it and you can't escape it. If you have a different illness I'm sure it does other things, but I can only speak about the ones I've experienced.

It can be awful to have this monster, especially when it contains multiple varieties of mental illness. But it can also be fucking awful to be around someone else who has a monster. It can be torture; at its worst it can be abuse. So people have a responsibility to manage their monster as best as they can to keep it from attacking other people. Just like if you have a pet who will attack people -- it's not your fault if they attack someone, but you need to do your best to care for them, train them on how to interact, and keep them on a leash when they're out. And if you know what sets them off, you need to warn people so that they don't end up getting bitten when it could have been avoided.

I have known people who have the most massive, powerful monsters and yet they keep that thing on a leash and it almost never bites anyone. It will blob over them and scream at them from every direction, and they will quietly tug on the leash and pull it away from people so that no one is hurt. They know that it lies and so when it tells them "that person doesn't like you" they don't accept this and they ask the person. They know it predicts things that won't happen and so they refuse to believe it. When their monster is incontinent they take it outside, and if it makes a mess they clean it up. Their monsters are not dainty or polite, but the way those people handle them you might think they are. Some people I know have monsters three stories tall yet I've barely heard a peep out of them.

And then I've known people who don't bother leashing their monster at all. Who will sit and watch while their monster rips someone to shreds, and later say "it wasn't me" or worse yet, have no comment and try to pretend that it didn't happen. I've known people who let the monster shit anxiety all over people, instead of taking it outside to poop -- and then complain when the person takes time away to go shower! I've known people who refuse to feed their monster and let it climb all over other people desperately begging for food. I've known people who get angry when someone who has been feeding their monster stops, because now the monster is grumpy and loud again and is turning to them for food when they had gotten used to ignoring it. I have been most of these people, as well. Sometimes I slack off in training and my monster starts getting rude and gross again.

It's never your fault when you have a monster like this attached to you. But it is your responsibility and no one else's. It's your job to feed and tame your monster so that it is as respectful and kind as possible. It's your job to take it to excrete waste away from other people, or perhaps with the attention of a monster vet. It's your job to keep it from attacking people with words or deeds.

If you have someone who has offered to help you tame your monster, that's awesome! Just don't try to leave it with them. It's not 'help' if the other person is fighting your monster while you do nothing. Just like a rowdy pet, if you don't train it, it will get worse and worse no matter what people try to do from outside. You have to tell it no. Every single time. And when your monster damages other people? That's on you. You are the only one who is responsible for your monster. It's shitty because nobody signed up to be a monster-keeper, but it's yours now. And if someone who usually helps is not up for it, don't complain to them about it and don't make them feel bad. Your monster is NEVER someone else's responsibility.

You can have terrible monsters without those monsters constantly hurting others. Training monsters is a learning process and no one does it right all the time, but if you don't do your personal best to keep your monster from hurting others, then you are just as guilty when it does. I'm not suggesting that you avoid all people if you have an unmanageable monster. I'm suggesting you use every tool you have to tame it, and in the meantime you warn people about how the monster sometimes acts, and when the monster does make a mess or cause damage, you do the cleaning up. On what is possible for any given person or situation, I cannot guess and certainly cannot comment; only the monster-keeper knows if they are doing their best.

I don't think I'd feel fully at ease around someone who had no monster at all, simply because I think it would be hard for them to understand monster-keeping which is always a pretty big part of my life. But I also know that my monster is very suggestible and if I spend too much time with someone who has an out-of-control monster, mine will get increasingly difficult to handle. And despite not having physical form, these monsters can kill. So for me, it doesn't matter the size or type of monster; I feel safest with people who have a monster, but keep it in line most of the time.


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belenen: (overwhelmed)
I have HPV (as if I needed more stress)
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

I went to the doctor today about a lump on my genitals. The good news: it's not cancer. The bad news: it's HPV.

I only this year learned about HPV. I knew it existed before, but I thought it was checked for on the standard set of STI tests. Nope. There are 100+ strains of HPV, so there is no test to prove someone does NOT have HPV (as they'd have to test for all strains), and most people who have it don't have symptoms. Also, it is spread through skin-to-skin contact, so even using barriers and taking caution with sexual fluids won't prevent catching it (though it will reduce the likelihood of course). "HPV is so common that most sexually-active men and women will get at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives." Oh, and the strains that can cause cancer and other serious problems do NOT cause visible symptoms.

So, I could have gotten this from any of my partners, or I might have contracted it as a child enduring sexual abuse and just never had symptoms until now (when my immune system is low from extreme & prolonged stress). I feel incredibly unlucky. Most people with herpes don't have symptoms and most people with HPV don't have symptoms, but I got both. And all the people out there with HPV and no symptoms don't have to deal with stigma. It's really fucking unfair that people are going to think of me as undesirable because I'm one of the few that got visible symptoms, noticed them, had them checked, and will be honest about it.

It wasn't too hard to find out the best way to manage herpes: if you're not having an active outbreak, infection is unlikely if you use barriers and take caution not to swap fluids. I can't find a good source on the best way to avoid transmitting HPV because everything I find is like "spread by skin-to-skin contact" with no specifics and I'm pretty sure that there is risky contact and non-risky contact but there is no fucking information. I imagine the only skin that is likely to spread genital HPV is on your crotch and thighs. HPV doesn't seem to have a outbreak-vs-non-outbreak difference. So I suppose the new precaution I have to add is to not let people touch my thighs without having the STI conversation.

Six years ago when I got herpes and posted about it someone who was 'concerned' about me (ha) told me I should never have sex again. Now that I have another fucking STI, I'm well and truly a pariah. Not that it would be terrible for me to never use my physical genitals in sex again. They're not that important to me. But they tend to be important to other people. And the idea that people would rule me out as a romantic partner because of STIs... I just find that so gross and I wish I didn't have to think about it. It's upsetting even if I wouldn't want to be romantic with them anyway.


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belenen: (challenging)
relationship health check-up questions: abusive red flag questions & relative healthiness questions
icon: "challenging (photo of me lifting one eyebrow and slightly squinting my eyes, wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

Someone recently asked me if I had any relationship check-in questions to determine a relationship's health. The closest thing I had was questions to determine if a relationship is difficult-but-worthwhile or possibly/definitely abusive, so I went through that list and expanded it into two larger sets of questions. The first is a set of yes/no questions, and any 'no' to these is a red flag for an abusive relationship. The second list is about the relative health of the relationship, and a 'no' is not necessarily a red flag but does mark a place that potentially needs work (a 'yellow' flag perhaps).

to determine if the relationship is abusive )

to determine if it is a worthwhile difficult relationship )


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belenen: (ADD-PI)
how I cope with my ADD-PI (other than meds): supplements, caffeine, music, water, book, food, sleep
icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

a brief history of my ADD and of supplements I have tried )

Two supplements did have significant effect, and I now take them daily: Choline (which I take at 900mg per day) and Vinpocitine (which I take at 30mg per day) The brand and dose matters! some brands are ineffective or unclear about how much is in each pill. Of all the Choline available on amazon right now I'd only recommend KRK Supplements (unless you can afford to spend significantly more, because there are better ones but not better ones for under $15). For Vinpocitine I'd recommend Puritan's Pride or Swanson's. Both of these help so much with memory that if I run out, I can tell because my memory and focus gets noticeably worse within 3 days. Choline is helpful because it is one of the building blocks of the memory molecule acetylcholine -- and it is particularly helpful for vegetarians or anyone who avoids fatty meats or eggs, because that is the highest natural source (you'd have to eat 5 eggs per day to get the amount in my supplements, unless you ate them raw...). I had been vegetarian for at least 3 years when I learned this, so I think I had a significant deficiency. Vinpocitine increases blood flow to the brain.

I also take caffeine. When I did not have medication, I took caffeine pills (one in the morning and one halfway through the day) -- they're cheap, they really help and since it's just a pill, there isn't the block of having to go find coffee/soda/energy drinks AND they don't carry the sugar crash that a lot of drinks do. I either have a caffeine pill or a coffee every day.

And also, pretty much every single one of my coping skills is discussed in this book: Your Life Can Be Better -- which is written by a person who has ADD, so it is easy to read and absorb for ADD people (at least I think so). Most chapters are about 5 pages long. It is miraculously useful.

When trying to focus, listening to wordless, complex but steady music is very helpful. Also, taking breaks can be damn impossible, so drinking loads of water is actually helpful because eventually I HAVE to pee.

Eating regularly is very important. I'm sure there are additional factors, but one reason is that stress makes ADD worse, and not eating regularly means that your body releases cortisol, the stress hormone. This does all kinds of negative things to your body. I am really bad about remembering to eat (which is a huge problem for ADD people since ADD fucks up your memory/focus and ADD meds reduce your appetite) so I try to carry some crackers or a food bar or some nuts, and eat according to a schedule rather than waiting for body signals which always come VERY late. I eat a fairly natural diet, but I know that MSG and artificial food dyes can cause ADD to be worse, so I'd recommend avoiding them.

Last but not least, getting enough sleep is vital. I had to train myself into regular sleep using melatonin (which should never be used in doses higher than 0.3mg (300 MICROkilograms) or for more than 3 months at a stretch! I learned this the hard way.), but now I can go to sleep easily 99% of the time and sleep for 7 hours and wake up rested. I am convinced that sleep is even more important for people with ADD than it is for neurotypical people. It's like a sleep-deprived neurotypical person has about as much focus as an ADD person does on a decent amount of sleep, so yeah, very important!


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belenen: (brewing)
avoiding being sick with zinc and b12 - so far so good
icon: "brewing (a photo of a ceramic mug with sticks of cinnamon poking out and steam rising up)"

small random PSA: I take zinc and b12 every day, and I haven't gotten sick in over a year and a half, despite being around sick people often enough. I consider the two things highly related, and as the pills aren't too expensive, I shall continue to take them. I also drink lots of water and avoid sugar, especially if I know I have been exposed to something.
connecting: ,


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belenen: (bodylove -- me (belly goddess))
on changing the amount of fat on your body: cortisol, blood sugar, stress, food as fat/carb/protein
icon: "curvygirl -- me (belly) (a photo from 2007 of my breasts, belly, and arms, covered in spirals and drawings made with washable markers and glitter)"


--

-- content warning: possibly triggering for those with disordered eating / eating disorders. talk of restriction, dieting, fat - ENTIRE POST-

First let me say, I do not take my own advice because I don't mind being fat and I don't like eating enough to eat more often (I tend towards one small snack and one big meal a day which can be bad for you, as you'll see if you read on). Secondly, this is more about what NOT to do than what to do. and lastly, take this as a starting point; I am not an expert.

Kay, so there is a shitton of misinformation out there about how to take care of your body and how to change the fat amount on your body. Do not believe anyone who tells you you can restrict your calories in order to lose fat permanently. That much is proven to be bullshit despite the fact that many people insist it's true. Restricting can take some fat off but if that is your sole method, it will come back not too far down the road. Read any good study on dieting and you will learn that it does not work. Why?

Because your body is a machine that is designed to protect you from starvation. There is a hormone called cortisol which will tell your body to retain as many energy stores as possible: it says, "store fat and don't burn it!" This hormone is activated by two things (among others I'd imagine): stress and low blood sugar. When you restrict, you activate this hormone and make your body more likely to store than to burn. It is incredibly counterproductive to restrict: even if you lose some fat at first, as this hormone builds up it will make you retain fat again.

Cortisol is also the reason that it is not only looksist to be anti-fat, it is sexist, racist, ableist, etc. Being oppressed is a constant stress that you cannot escape. Oppressed peoples often don't have access to healthier food and don't have spare energy or time to spend on working out, AND are under much more stress than people without those oppressions. People's bodies often change a great deal in how much they retain fat due to how much stress they are enduring. You can actually be eating a starvation-level diet and gain weight (so I have heard from people who have been through anorexia) because your body is so damn good at holding on when it thinks you are in danger.

Also, according to my nutrition prof, only fat gets stored. Proteins get used or shat out if you eat more than you need. Carbs only increase your body fat if you are also consuming fat, because the carbs are burned first and then if you don't have enough activity to need them, the fats are just stored. Eating fewer carbs just means that the fat you eat is more likely to get used. Carbs are your body's favorite, and complex carbohydrates are the best for healthy, lasting energy. (I have also been told that carbs can be stored as fat, so my nutrition prof may have been off - but that is a case of excess)

So my logical takeaway from this is that if I wanted to lose fat, I would need to practice as many anti-stress things as I know to do, as well as maintaining my blood sugar throughout the day and consuming less fat. Every 3 hours I would eat a small meal of mostly raw fruits and vegetables, and I would try to avoid ever getting actually hungry. I would try to be more active by doing anything that got my heart rate up. I would meditate daily and make sure to get outside for at least 30 minutes a day. I would drink damiana tea w cinnamon every day because that decreases my stress both in the ritual and in the substance. I would avoid any sugars except for fruit sugar and honey. Probably other things too, but you get the point.

I checked with a health professional friend of mine just to be sure I wasn't way off and they told me the advice they give for people who want to lose fat (tailored to the person and situation since not everyone can walk, for instance):

"breathe. ... recommend a few YouTube relaxation videos to them. Drink water. Drink tea - green tea is great for your metabolism. Eat a balance of foods but make the majority of your plate fruit/veg. Lean proteins. Decrease carbs and sugar. Walk 30 minutes per day minimum. Laugh. And never ever ever beat yourself up if you splurge on a burger and a milkshake. Because it's about balance - life is about balance."


If you think that fat = unhealthy, read this entire article and all the links before you say anything to me about fat: These are the Fat FAQs. And just one quick note: BMI is bullshit, based on literally zero science as was never intended to measure health. It also changed significantly due to social reasons with again no science, no excuse. Weight cannot tell you about health. Correlation =/= causation. There are a million possible lurking variables, not the least of which is stress.


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belenen: (powerful)
some of my goals for 2009: save & buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D & become more active/fit
I've been working on a list of goals for this year, and there are a few things I wanted to delve more deeply into, so here they are:

save up and buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D

I've always loved music and wanted to create it, but I couldn't work with the instruments made available to me. I never liked the sound of piano, and when my parents forced me to take lessons for four years, that added a massive amount of resentment to my mild dislike. I tried taking guitar because I DID like the sound of that, but it just felt too awkward for me -- partly because of the small size of my hands, I think. I longed to play the bass guitar because of the deep, rhythmic sound but never had the opportunity, and for me that's still too... structured.

The first time I tried an instrument that resonated with me, I remember feeling such a THRILL, such a sensation of wildness and pure unstructured expression. It was just five minutes playing a friend's set of conga drums, but it was enough to let me know that percussion -- by hand, not by a mallet or stick -- is MY music. I asked my friend how much they were and I can't remember the sum but it was enough to make me feel that they were forever out of reach, might as well forget them. So I did. Then this past year when I visited Hannah, I tried playing zir bodhrán and I felt that same thrill! That oh-my-god/dess-yes-this-is-me! feeling. I determined that I was going to get some kind of drum, whatever I could afford, and start playing. I was very drawn to the bodhrán (I still am, I think I must have some passionate bodhrán players in my ancestry), but I hesitated for some reason in getting it. (even though it actually is affordable)

Then at the end of October last year, I was searching for information about Hapi, an intersexed personification of the Nile who I feel a strong kinship with, and I came across the HAPI drum (meaning Hand Activated Percussion Instrument)! I fell so completely in love, crying with joy at how PERFECT this instrument is for me (and how I found it!). It's played by hand, creates various tones, is easy to carry around, comes in many colors, has a dichroic glass center... oh, I'm so in love and you must watch the video of the one I'm going to get (in a different color) )

When I first saw the price I was like, oh well, it's a nice dream but it won't happen... but it just kept coming up, and I feel that getting a Hapi drum for myself is a very important step in my spiritual path. So it's going to happen, even if I have to practice patience for it. ;-)

---

become more active/fit

Earlier this week I had a fantastic idea which so far has worked very well! I set my phone alarm to go off every thirty minutes, whereupon I reset it and go use the healthrider briefly (enough to get my heart rate up). I'm gradually increasing the length of each session and might add weights eventually. I'm so excited about this because it really works for me! I don't have to worry about the weather, the time, or clothing, and I don't have to set aside a chunk of time every day (which usually ends up getting forgotten until the very end of the day when I am ready to fall into bed). I can go slow and easy if I'm feeling bad, or do extra if I'm feeling good! and it's free -- no gas money, no gym fees -- and it's FUN. I love the healthrider, it reminds me for all the world of riding in the front of a speedboat. And it keeps my energy from getting stagnant, because it's interspersed throughout the day. I've only been doing it for about 5 or 6 days now but I can already feel more energy and strength! An odd thing I noticed is that my lung capacity is increasing. I didn't realize just how little (read: ZERO) aerobic exercise I got until I started feeling what it is like to breathe more deeply again. I haven't enjoyed activity this much since I had a routine of cartwheels and swimming (at age 17). I'm feeling POWER in my arms and legs again! I love how quickly my body responds to workouts of any kind.

I also plan on taking regular walks with Nim (once it's warm) and once I cash my Christmas check from mom (hopefully this Thursday) I'm going to order a balance chair so that I can strengthen my core muscles. When I feel like they're strong enough I'm going to take bellydance lessons again (if I can find some affordable ones).

[[Happy Birthday [livejournal.com profile] celestialsight! ♥]]
sounds: HAPI Planet - Melo Wetha | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


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belenen: (powerful)
some of my goals for 2009: save & buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D & become more active/fit
I've been working on a list of goals for this year, and there are a few things I wanted to delve more deeply into, so here they are:

save up and buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D

I've always loved music and wanted to create it, but I couldn't work with the instruments made available to me. I never liked the sound of piano, and when my parents forced me to take lessons for four years, that added a massive amount of resentment to my mild dislike. I tried taking guitar because I DID like the sound of that, but it just felt too awkward for me -- partly because of the small size of my hands, I think. I longed to play the bass guitar because of the deep, rhythmic sound but never had the opportunity, and for me that's still too... structured.

The first time I tried an instrument that resonated with me, I remember feeling such a THRILL, such a sensation of wildness and pure unstructured expression. It was just five minutes playing a friend's set of conga drums, but it was enough to let me know that percussion -- by hand, not by a mallet or stick -- is MY music. I asked my friend how much they were and I can't remember the sum but it was enough to make me feel that they were forever out of reach, might as well forget them. So I did. Then this past year when I visited Hannah, I tried playing zir bodhrán and I felt that same thrill! That oh-my-god/dess-yes-this-is-me! feeling. I determined that I was going to get some kind of drum, whatever I could afford, and start playing. I was very drawn to the bodhrán (I still am, I think I must have some passionate bodhrán players in my ancestry), but I hesitated for some reason in getting it. (even though it actually is affordable)

Then at the end of October last year, I was searching for information about Hapi, an intersexed personification of the Nile who I feel a strong kinship with, and I came across the HAPI drum (meaning Hand Activated Percussion Instrument)! I fell so completely in love, crying with joy at how PERFECT this instrument is for me (and how I found it!). It's played by hand, creates various tones, is easy to carry around, comes in many colors, has a dichroic glass center... oh, I'm so in love and you must watch the video of the one I'm going to get (in a different color) )

When I first saw the price I was like, oh well, it's a nice dream but it won't happen... but it just kept coming up, and I feel that getting a Hapi drum for myself is a very important step in my spiritual path. So it's going to happen, even if I have to practice patience for it. ;-)

---

become more active/fit

Earlier this week I had a fantastic idea which so far has worked very well! I set my phone alarm to go off every thirty minutes, whereupon I reset it and go use the healthrider briefly (enough to get my heart rate up). I'm gradually increasing the length of each session and might add weights eventually. I'm so excited about this because it really works for me! I don't have to worry about the weather, the time, or clothing, and I don't have to set aside a chunk of time every day (which usually ends up getting forgotten until the very end of the day when I am ready to fall into bed). I can go slow and easy if I'm feeling bad, or do extra if I'm feeling good! and it's free -- no gas money, no gym fees -- and it's FUN. I love the healthrider, it reminds me for all the world of riding in the front of a speedboat. And it keeps my energy from getting stagnant, because it's interspersed throughout the day. I've only been doing it for about 5 or 6 days now but I can already feel more energy and strength! An odd thing I noticed is that my lung capacity is increasing. I didn't realize just how little (read: ZERO) aerobic exercise I got until I started feeling what it is like to breathe more deeply again. I haven't enjoyed activity this much since I had a routine of cartwheels and swimming (at age 17). I'm feeling POWER in my arms and legs again! I love how quickly my body responds to workouts of any kind.

I also plan on taking regular walks with Nim (once it's warm) and once I cash my Christmas check from mom (hopefully this Thursday) I'm going to order a balance chair so that I can strengthen my core muscles. When I feel like they're strong enough I'm going to take bellydance lessons again (if I can find some affordable ones).

[[Happy Birthday [livejournal.com profile] celestialsight! ♥]]
sounds: HAPI Planet - Melo Wetha | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (powerful)
some of my goals for 2009: save & buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D & become more active/fit
I've been working on a list of goals for this year, and there are a few things I wanted to delve more deeply into, so here they are:

save up and buy a Hapi drum in the Akebono Key of D

I've always loved music and wanted to create it, but I couldn't work with the instruments made available to me. I never liked the sound of piano, and when my parents forced me to take lessons for four years, that added a massive amount of resentment to my mild dislike. I tried taking guitar because I DID like the sound of that, but it just felt too awkward for me -- partly because of the small size of my hands, I think. I longed to play the bass guitar because of the deep, rhythmic sound but never had the opportunity, and for me that's still too... structured.

The first time I tried an instrument that resonated with me, I remember feeling such a THRILL, such a sensation of wildness and pure unstructured expression. It was just five minutes playing a friend's set of conga drums, but it was enough to let me know that percussion -- by hand, not by a mallet or stick -- is MY music. I asked my friend how much they were and I can't remember the sum but it was enough to make me feel that they were forever out of reach, might as well forget them. So I did. Then this past year when I visited Hannah, I tried playing zir bodhrán and I felt that same thrill! That oh-my-god/dess-yes-this-is-me! feeling. I determined that I was going to get some kind of drum, whatever I could afford, and start playing. I was very drawn to the bodhrán (I still am, I think I must have some passionate bodhrán players in my ancestry), but I hesitated for some reason in getting it. (even though it actually is affordable)

Then at the end of October last year, I was searching for information about Hapi, an intersexed personification of the Nile who I feel a strong kinship with, and I came across the HAPI drum (meaning Hand Activated Percussion Instrument)! I fell so completely in love, crying with joy at how PERFECT this instrument is for me (and how I found it!). It's played by hand, creates various tones, is easy to carry around, comes in many colors, has a dichroic glass center... oh, I'm so in love and you must watch the video of the one I'm going to get (in a different color) )

When I first saw the price I was like, oh well, it's a nice dream but it won't happen... but it just kept coming up, and I feel that getting a Hapi drum for myself is a very important step in my spiritual path. So it's going to happen, even if I have to practice patience for it. ;-)

---

become more active/fit

Earlier this week I had a fantastic idea which so far has worked very well! I set my phone alarm to go off every thirty minutes, whereupon I reset it and go use the healthrider briefly (enough to get my heart rate up). I'm gradually increasing the length of each session and might add weights eventually. I'm so excited about this because it really works for me! I don't have to worry about the weather, the time, or clothing, and I don't have to set aside a chunk of time every day (which usually ends up getting forgotten until the very end of the day when I am ready to fall into bed). I can go slow and easy if I'm feeling bad, or do extra if I'm feeling good! and it's free -- no gas money, no gym fees -- and it's FUN. I love the healthrider, it reminds me for all the world of riding in the front of a speedboat. And it keeps my energy from getting stagnant, because it's interspersed throughout the day. I've only been doing it for about 5 or 6 days now but I can already feel more energy and strength! An odd thing I noticed is that my lung capacity is increasing. I didn't realize just how little (read: ZERO) aerobic exercise I got until I started feeling what it is like to breathe more deeply again. I haven't enjoyed activity this much since I had a routine of cartwheels and swimming (at age 17). I'm feeling POWER in my arms and legs again! I love how quickly my body responds to workouts of any kind.

I also plan on taking regular walks with Nim (once it's warm) and once I cash my Christmas check from mom (hopefully this Thursday) I'm going to order a balance chair so that I can strengthen my core muscles. When I feel like they're strong enough I'm going to take bellydance lessons again (if I can find some affordable ones).

[[Happy Birthday [livejournal.com profile] celestialsight! ♥]]
sounds: HAPI Planet - Melo Wetha | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


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belenen: (eccentric)
sleep & dreams / communicating / changing shape / gifted art! / met Kimberley, Jason, Aranatha
Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley ([livejournal.com profile] darkpool), Jason ([livejournal.com profile] thesaj), and Aranatha ([livejournal.com profile] babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )


back to top

belenen: (eccentric)
sleep & dreams / communicating / changing shape / gifted art! / met Kimberley, Jason, Aranatha
Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley ([livejournal.com profile] darkpool), Jason ([livejournal.com profile] thesaj), and Aranatha ([livejournal.com profile] babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )


back to top

belenen: (eccentric)
sleep & dreams / communicating / changing shape / gifted art! / met Kimberley, Jason, Aranatha
Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley ([livejournal.com profile] darkpool), Jason ([livejournal.com profile] thesaj), and Aranatha ([livejournal.com profile] babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* My poor partner was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
thank you to Jenny, Kat, cynosis, and Francesca! / HealthRider
Happy April 1st -- don't let anyone fool you today, heh. (don't think I've ever attempted an April Fool's joke, doubt I ever will -- even if I tried it would fail miserably because I can't lie worth a damn)

So. I was going to take more photos to go along with this, but I have been on a nocturnal schedule which makes taking photos difficult (am natural-light obsessed). I have some belated thank-yous for birthday gifts! In the order they arrived:

[livejournal.com profile] jenniology sent me an AMAZING painting of two Egyptian women/goddesses! One in green with a lotus circlet, and one in red with the sundisk and horns on her head (Isis or Hathor?). It's on papyrus! so I'm keeping it wrapped up until I get a good frame for it. Jenny, this is SUCH an amazing gift! Nothing thrills me more than being given original art, especially by the artist hirself! ♥ Thank you a million times! And thank you for the sweet card.

[livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie gave me a stained glass star, which is... WOW so amazing! I have it hanging on the wall in my living room right now, but soon it is going in my sanctuary ♥ that I DO have photos of. five photos! ) & she also got me a crystal pendant which is really awesome because I had been craving one. I'm not sure what I want it for yet... not just for wearing, I might make it into a pendulum. Thank you so much Firekat! You rock! You know me so well. :D

[livejournal.com profile] cynosis sent me a wonderful mix CD with a long hand-written note! including the important parts of lyrics. I have only listened to a few songs so far but I am LOVING what I've heard. (holy crap, the song "Nara" is thrilling me down to my bones, wow, shivers) And the note means a LOT because I LOVE having samples of people's handwriting. It's like a little piece of you, a little expression of your individuality. Thank you Cynosis!

[livejournal.com profile] mme_furiosa sent me a postcard from Sri Lanka!!! How cool is that? It's from a Moken village, where a once nomadic people now lives. She chose it because she and I both have gypsy spirits ♥ Thanks Francesca!

In other news, I got a HealthRider for myself from craigslist for $35, haha! My parents had one when I was a teen, and I used to listen to music and use it and go into an absolute trance. It is FUN, no I'm totally not kidding. It is like a combination swing and see-saw and it totally brings out my little kid self! I love it! They should have named it the FunRider -- but then all the people who want to punish their bodies rather than enjoy them wouldn't have gotten it, heh. It's so fun! I'm really wishing I could take it to Glasgow with me so that I could share it with Hannah. Ben likes it too :D


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
thank you to Jenny, Kat, cynosis, and Francesca! / HealthRider
Happy April 1st -- don't let anyone fool you today, heh. (don't think I've ever attempted an April Fool's joke, doubt I ever will -- even if I tried it would fail miserably because I can't lie worth a damn)

So. I was going to take more photos to go along with this, but I have been on a nocturnal schedule which makes taking photos difficult (am natural-light obsessed). I have some belated thank-yous for birthday gifts! In the order they arrived:

[livejournal.com profile] jenniology sent me an AMAZING painting of two Egyptian women/goddesses! One in green with a lotus circlet, and one in red with the sundisk and horns on her head (Isis or Hathor?). It's on papyrus! so I'm keeping it wrapped up until I get a good frame for it. Jenny, this is SUCH an amazing gift! Nothing thrills me more than being given original art, especially by the artist hirself! ♥ Thank you a million times! And thank you for the sweet card.

[livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie gave me a stained glass star, which is... WOW so amazing! I have it hanging on the wall in my living room right now, but soon it is going in my sanctuary ♥ that I DO have photos of. five photos! ) & she also got me a crystal pendant which is really awesome because I had been craving one. I'm not sure what I want it for yet... not just for wearing, I might make it into a pendulum. Thank you so much Firekat! You rock! You know me so well. :D

[livejournal.com profile] cynosis sent me a wonderful mix CD with a long hand-written note! including the important parts of lyrics. I have only listened to a few songs so far but I am LOVING what I've heard. (holy crap, the song "Nara" is thrilling me down to my bones, wow, shivers) And the note means a LOT because I LOVE having samples of people's handwriting. It's like a little piece of you, a little expression of your individuality. Thank you Cynosis!

[livejournal.com profile] mme_furiosa sent me a postcard from Sri Lanka!!! How cool is that? It's from a Moken village, where a once nomadic people now lives. She chose it because she and I both have gypsy spirits ♥ Thanks Francesca!

In other news, I got a HealthRider for myself from craigslist for $35, haha! My parents had one when I was a teen, and I used to listen to music and use it and go into an absolute trance. It is FUN, no I'm totally not kidding. It is like a combination swing and see-saw and it totally brings out my little kid self! I love it! They should have named it the FunRider -- but then all the people who want to punish their bodies rather than enjoy them wouldn't have gotten it, heh. It's so fun! I'm really wishing I could take it to Glasgow with me so that I could share it with Hannah. Ben likes it too :D


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
thank you to Jenny, Kat, cynosis, and Francesca! / HealthRider
Happy April 1st -- don't let anyone fool you today, heh. (don't think I've ever attempted an April Fool's joke, doubt I ever will -- even if I tried it would fail miserably because I can't lie worth a damn)

So. I was going to take more photos to go along with this, but I have been on a nocturnal schedule which makes taking photos difficult (am natural-light obsessed). I have some belated thank-yous for birthday gifts! In the order they arrived:

[livejournal.com profile] jenniology sent me an AMAZING painting of two Egyptian women/goddesses! One in green with a lotus circlet, and one in red with the sundisk and horns on her head (Isis or Hathor?). It's on papyrus! so I'm keeping it wrapped up until I get a good frame for it. Jenny, this is SUCH an amazing gift! Nothing thrills me more than being given original art, especially by the artist hirself! ♥ Thank you a million times! And thank you for the sweet card.

[livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie gave me a stained glass star, which is... WOW so amazing! I have it hanging on the wall in my living room right now, but soon it is going in my sanctuary ♥ that I DO have photos of. five photos! ) & she also got me a crystal pendant which is really awesome because I had been craving one. I'm not sure what I want it for yet... not just for wearing, I might make it into a pendulum. Thank you so much Firekat! You rock! You know me so well. :D

[livejournal.com profile] cynosis sent me a wonderful mix CD with a long hand-written note! including the important parts of lyrics. I have only listened to a few songs so far but I am LOVING what I've heard. (holy crap, the song "Nara" is thrilling me down to my bones, wow, shivers) And the note means a LOT because I LOVE having samples of people's handwriting. It's like a little piece of you, a little expression of your individuality. Thank you Cynosis!

[livejournal.com profile] mme_furiosa sent me a postcard from Sri Lanka!!! How cool is that? It's from a Moken village, where a once nomadic people now lives. She chose it because she and I both have gypsy spirits ♥ Thanks Francesca!

In other news, I got a HealthRider for myself from craigslist for $35, haha! My parents had one when I was a teen, and I used to listen to music and use it and go into an absolute trance. It is FUN, no I'm totally not kidding. It is like a combination swing and see-saw and it totally brings out my little kid self! I love it! They should have named it the FunRider -- but then all the people who want to punish their bodies rather than enjoy them wouldn't have gotten it, heh. It's so fun! I'm really wishing I could take it to Glasgow with me so that I could share it with Hannah. Ben likes it too :D


back to top

belenen: (curvygirl -- me (organic))
noticing more fitness thanks to Curves
I just went to Curves and I feel about 300 times better! all my cells feel awake. So far it has been less than a month and I already notice so many positive changes )
connecting:


back to top

belenen: (curvygirl -- me (organic))
noticing more fitness thanks to Curves
I just went to Curves and I feel about 300 times better! all my cells feel awake. So far it has been less than a month and I already notice so many positive changes )
connecting:


back to top

belenen: (curvygirl -- me (organic))
noticing more fitness thanks to Curves
I just went to Curves and I feel about 300 times better! all my cells feel awake. So far it has been less than a month and I already notice so many positive changes )
connecting:


back to top

belenen: (iconoclast)
health cannot be measured by BMI, nor by weight.
This is a topic that many people are deeply invested in. It tears down a ranking system, and that always causes uproar -- even from those whom it oppresses. Those whom it oppresses may not be the highest in the ranking system, but at least they aren't as 'bad' as those below them, and for those who have low self esteem, that comparison is very important. Also, there is simply a fear of the unknown -- in this case, life without a certain type of comparison.

Health cannot be accurately measured by weight. (neither can beauty, but that is another subject) Our society has a ranking system called BMI -- a number calculated by your height and weight -- that supposedly tells us how healthy we are. The more healthy, the better, as we praise supposedly 'fit' people. However, this ranking system is inherently flawed. First of all, it was created as a tool for statistical analysis -- to be able to create groups based on rough body size, for studies. It was never intended to be a measurement of health, and has not been tested for accuracy. For instance, no one has ever proven that a 5'5" woman is any more healthy at 140 pounds than she is at 120 or 160. You'd think with a chart used to diagnose people as being healthy, extensive testing would have been done at every level -- but since BMI was not intended for that purpose, it has not been.

BMI does not take into account muscle (which weighs more than fat) or frame size, and more importantly it does not take into account how active a person is or how healthily they eat. Many studies have shown that activity level has far more to do with fitness than weight does. Weight is a symptom of ill health -- it only becomes a cause of ill health in extreme cases. Increasing one's fitness will do much more for one's health than decreasing one's weight. We think we can look at a person and determine how fit they are by how thick they are -- but the fat and active are healthier than the thin and inactive.

quotes and links )

LJ idol topic 13: "Current Events" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))


back to top

belenen: (iconoclast)
health cannot be measured by BMI, nor by weight.
This is a topic that many people are deeply invested in. It tears down a ranking system, and that always causes uproar -- even from those whom it oppresses. Those whom it oppresses may not be the highest in the ranking system, but at least they aren't as 'bad' as those below them, and for those who have low self esteem, that comparison is very important. Also, there is simply a fear of the unknown -- in this case, life without a certain type of comparison.

Health cannot be accurately measured by weight. (neither can beauty, but that is another subject) Our society has a ranking system called BMI -- a number calculated by your height and weight -- that supposedly tells us how healthy we are. The more healthy, the better, as we praise supposedly 'fit' people. However, this ranking system is inherently flawed. First of all, it was created as a tool for statistical analysis -- to be able to create groups based on rough body size, for studies. It was never intended to be a measurement of health, and has not been tested for accuracy. For instance, no one has ever proven that a 5'5" woman is any more healthy at 140 pounds than she is at 120 or 160. You'd think with a chart used to diagnose people as being healthy, extensive testing would have been done at every level -- but since BMI was not intended for that purpose, it has not been.

BMI does not take into account muscle (which weighs more than fat) or frame size, and more importantly it does not take into account how active a person is or how healthily they eat. Many studies have shown that activity level has far more to do with fitness than weight does. Weight is a symptom of ill health -- it only becomes a cause of ill health in extreme cases. Increasing one's fitness will do much more for one's health than decreasing one's weight. We think we can look at a person and determine how fit they are by how thick they are -- but the fat and active are healthier than the thin and inactive.

quotes and links )

LJ idol topic 13: "Current Events" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))


back to top

belenen: (iconoclast)
health cannot be measured by BMI, nor by weight.
This is a topic that many people are deeply invested in. It tears down a ranking system, and that always causes uproar -- even from those whom it oppresses. Those whom it oppresses may not be the highest in the ranking system, but at least they aren't as 'bad' as those below them, and for those who have low self esteem, that comparison is very important. Also, there is simply a fear of the unknown -- in this case, life without a certain type of comparison.

Health cannot be accurately measured by weight. (neither can beauty, but that is another subject) Our society has a ranking system called BMI -- a number calculated by your height and weight -- that supposedly tells us how healthy we are. The more healthy, the better, as we praise supposedly 'fit' people. However, this ranking system is inherently flawed. First of all, it was created as a tool for statistical analysis -- to be able to create groups based on rough body size, for studies. It was never intended to be a measurement of health, and has not been tested for accuracy. For instance, no one has ever proven that a 5'5" woman is any more healthy at 140 pounds than she is at 120 or 160. You'd think with a chart used to diagnose people as being healthy, extensive testing would have been done at every level -- but since BMI was not intended for that purpose, it has not been.

BMI does not take into account muscle (which weighs more than fat) or frame size, and more importantly it does not take into account how active a person is or how healthily they eat. Many studies have shown that activity level has far more to do with fitness than weight does. Weight is a symptom of ill health -- it only becomes a cause of ill health in extreme cases. Increasing one's fitness will do much more for one's health than decreasing one's weight. We think we can look at a person and determine how fit they are by how thick they are -- but the fat and active are healthier than the thin and inactive.

quotes and links )

LJ idol topic 13: "Current Events" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))


back to top

belenen: (curvygirl -- me (organic))
first Curves visit of 2008 / my physical limits / feelings toward exercise & body love
Yesterday I went in to Curves and got started using my gift certificate (my goal is to go three times a week). The lady who was working gave me a bit of a hassle when I refused to be weighed and measured like a slab of meat so that they could feel accomplished if my body changes weight or shape. (I know how fit I am by how I feel and what I can do!) But she got over it when she realized I wasn't to be coerced, and she was very nice overall. It was more crowded than the times I had been there on my trial week, and everyone was so friendly and positive. ♥ I was impressed with the range of sizes; it was very satisfying to see with my own eyes that fitness has very little to do with size.

As I started doing the round, I slipped into this almost trance-like state of communing with my body -- it felt amazing. As I used the machines (hydraulic, using your own force against you which is such a natural form of exercise), listening to upbeat music and feeling the flow of energy through my body, I remembered what it felt like to be strong and energetic and flexible. How I used to feel like I had no limits, like my body would do whatever I asked of it. The second round got harder and I started to feel tired, and halfway through I had to go sit down. My head was spinning, everything was blurry, and sounds were faded by the buzzing in my ears. I started to get a little scared when it didn't go away, but the supervisor brought me some water and crackers (and asked if I wanted her to call 911! I said no), and after I managed to choke down one of the crackers I started to feel better. I did the stretches and left.

I actually came up against the limits of my body! I've always been strong -- even when I was little I often carried around others who weighed nearly as much as I did. I think part of the reason I haven't gotten started was that I was a little afraid of finding my limits, especially when I have never met them before. Now I know them, I think I will just do one round for a while, and work my way up. And I will listen to my body before I get to the point of passing out. I'm disappointed that I've gotten so weak, but at the same time I'm excited because it means I will actually FEEL the difference in my body as I get stronger.

When I was a child my parents taught me a hatred of exercise ... ) Now that I have learned that exercise doesn't have to be drudgery or self-hating, that fat is just a body part, NOT an enemy (and a very soft, sexy body part at that), and that I am beautiful no matter if I am voluptuous or slender, I actually like it. I doubt I'll ever take to running -- E-cup women aren't really built to run -- but I love that feeling of creating new strength, being truly one with my body.


back to top

belenen: (curvygirl -- me (organic))
first Curves visit of 2008 / my physical limits / feelings toward exercise & body love
Yesterday I went in to Curves and got started using my gift certificate (my goal is to go three times a week). The lady who was working gave me a bit of a hassle when I refused to be weighed and measured like a slab of meat so that they could feel accomplished if my body changes weight or shape. (I know how fit I am by how I feel and what I can do!) But she got over it when she realized I wasn't to be coerced, and she was very nice overall. It was more crowded than the times I had been there on my trial week, and everyone was so friendly and positive. ♥ I was impressed with the range of sizes; it was very satisfying to see with my own eyes that fitness has very little to do with size.

As I started doing the round, I slipped into this almost trance-like state of communing with my body -- it felt amazing. As I used the machines (hydraulic, using your own force against you which is such a natural form of exercise), listening to upbeat music and feeling the flow of energy through my body, I remembered what it felt like to be strong and energetic and flexible. How I used to feel like I had no limits, like my body would do whatever I asked of it. The second round got harder and I started to feel tired, and halfway through I had to go sit down. My head was spinning, everything was blurry, and sounds were faded by the buzzing in my ears. I started to get a little scared when it didn't go away, but the supervisor brought me some water and crackers (and asked if I wanted her to call 911! I said no), and after I managed to choke down one of the crackers I started to feel better. I did the stretches and left.

I actually came up against the limits of my body! I've always been strong -- even when I was little I often carried around others who weighed nearly as much as I did. I think part of the reason I haven't gotten started was that I was a little afraid of finding my limits, especially when I have never met them before. Now I know them, I think I will just do one round for a while, and work my way up. And I will listen to my body before I get to the point of passing out. I'm disappointed that I've gotten so weak, but at the same time I'm excited because it means I will actually FEEL the difference in my body as I get stronger.

When I was a child my parents taught me a hatred of exercise ... ) Now that I have learned that exercise doesn't have to be drudgery or self-hating, that fat is just a body part, NOT an enemy (and a very soft, sexy body part at that), and that I am beautiful no matter if I am voluptuous or slender, I actually like it. I doubt I'll ever take to running -- E-cup women aren't really built to run -- but I love that feeling of creating new strength, being truly one with my body.


back to top

belenen: (curvygirl -- me (organic))
first Curves visit of 2008 / my physical limits / feelings toward exercise & body love
Yesterday I went in to Curves and got started using my gift certificate (my goal is to go three times a week). The lady who was working gave me a bit of a hassle when I refused to be weighed and measured like a slab of meat so that they could feel accomplished if my body changes weight or shape. (I know how fit I am by how I feel and what I can do!) But she got over it when she realized I wasn't to be coerced, and she was very nice overall. It was more crowded than the times I had been there on my trial week, and everyone was so friendly and positive. ♥ I was impressed with the range of sizes; it was very satisfying to see with my own eyes that fitness has very little to do with size.

As I started doing the round, I slipped into this almost trance-like state of communing with my body -- it felt amazing. As I used the machines (hydraulic, using your own force against you which is such a natural form of exercise), listening to upbeat music and feeling the flow of energy through my body, I remembered what it felt like to be strong and energetic and flexible. How I used to feel like I had no limits, like my body would do whatever I asked of it. The second round got harder and I started to feel tired, and halfway through I had to go sit down. My head was spinning, everything was blurry, and sounds were faded by the buzzing in my ears. I started to get a little scared when it didn't go away, but the supervisor brought me some water and crackers (and asked if I wanted her to call 911! I said no), and after I managed to choke down one of the crackers I started to feel better. I did the stretches and left.

I actually came up against the limits of my body! I've always been strong -- even when I was little I often carried around others who weighed nearly as much as I did. I think part of the reason I haven't gotten started was that I was a little afraid of finding my limits, especially when I have never met them before. Now I know them, I think I will just do one round for a while, and work my way up. And I will listen to my body before I get to the point of passing out. I'm disappointed that I've gotten so weak, but at the same time I'm excited because it means I will actually FEEL the difference in my body as I get stronger.

When I was a child my parents taught me a hatred of exercise ... ) Now that I have learned that exercise doesn't have to be drudgery or self-hating, that fat is just a body part, NOT an enemy (and a very soft, sexy body part at that), and that I am beautiful no matter if I am voluptuous or slender, I actually like it. I doubt I'll ever take to running -- E-cup women aren't really built to run -- but I love that feeling of creating new strength, being truly one with my body.


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belenen: (shimmering)
rainbow icons / out of shape / Unity Church / meeting Sara / want friends nearby / rainbowknitduster
Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that [livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi [livejournal.com profile] theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.


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belenen: (shimmering)
rainbow icons / out of shape / Unity Church / meeting Sara / want friends nearby / rainbowknitduster
Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that [livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi [livejournal.com profile] theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.


back to top

belenen: (shimmering)
rainbow icons / out of shape / Unity Church / meeting Sara / want friends nearby / rainbowknitduster
Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that [livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi [livejournal.com profile] theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.


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belenen: (progressing)
thank you / developments with my partner / Curves
Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)


Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in [livejournal.com profile] curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ... )


back to top

belenen: (progressing)
thank you / developments with my partner / Curves
Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)


Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in [livejournal.com profile] curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ... )


back to top

belenen: (progressing)
thank you / developments with my partner / Curves
Thank you so much, so very much, everyone who offered support and comfort on my last post ♥ I wish I could fully express how much I needed it, and how grateful I am that you gave it. Thank you, thank you.

"Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other
from the center of their existence... only in this 'central experience'
is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love."
-- Erich Fromm (quoted in Kiss Me Again, my second-favorite movie)


Everything's been so much better between my partner and I since we had that huge discussion on Sunday (and small, intense discussions every day since then). I can't describe how odd it feels to be living with someone whom I don't really know -- and considering bonding with him. He says that he feels sure that as I get to know the real him, we'll be a wonderful match. He's kinda excited, actually, about the awakening he's going through. I'm bewildered by the sudden changes, but I am glad that he's being kind, and I'm hopeful about the future. Not hoping for anything in particular, just hopeful that however this turns out, it's better than the path we were on.

everything feels so surreal.

I don't know, everything is so confusing. I've been terribly scatter-brained (went to stores FOUR TIMES for various jewelry supplies for the same set), and at the same time, so much more motivated than usual. I've been meaning to try out Curves for a while (ever since someone in [livejournal.com profile] curvygirls mentioned that it was a body-positive place to get healthy) and finally did so this week. ... )


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