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belenen

June 2017

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (tenebrous)
the last few weeks have been loss, more loss, and the opening of old wounds.
icon: "tenebrous (a shadowy orange-light photo of my face, looking down, with an achingly sad expression)"

Within the past two weeks so fucking goddamn much has happened.
Papaw (Topaz' grandparent, an incredibly sweet and gentle person) died and not only was I really sad for the loss and how intense it is for all who were close to him, but I was reminded of how kind he was to me and how little of that kindness I got to experience. I felt so glad to have known him and be loved by him, because he did make me feel loved. We couldn't have said more than a hundred words to each other -- fewer than 40 if you don't count greetings and farewells. But he was always genuinely happy to see me and I never felt like he wished I was different in some way. And I love Topaz like he loved Topaz' grandmother, and they are so alike. They would enthuse together and Papaw and I would glance at each other and smile, knowing we were feeling the same thing. In another life we would have sat on a porch and smoked cigars together. We just clicked, in a very intuitive way. At the funeral the first hymn they chose was The Old Rugged Cross which was my favorite hymn as a kid, and that made me feel so connected to him and I cried as I sang along. People got up and spoke about how many memories they had of him and how steadily loving, thoughtful, and creative he was.


And I was reminded that I have no memories of the grandmother who died before I was born or the grandfather who died when I was 5, and only three memories of the one who died when I was 18, and they're all bad.

In the strongest memory, I'm about six years old and he's shouting furiously at me for touching his chair (which his other grandkids were allowed to sit in, but I was not permitted to touch). That one I remember clearly because I didn't know I wasn't supposed to touch it and I was terrified to be attacked for something I didn't know was 'wrong' and no one defended me except my mother (who he treated like garbage), and her tentatively because she was scared too. My dad was silent, my grandmother was silent. I cried, and I hardly ever cried as a child. In another, he's yelling at my grandmother because the A/C isn't up high enough. That one only stuck in my mind because my grandmother sassed him about his 'hot air' as she obeyed: one of only two good memories I have of her. And the last isn't so much a memory as a muddle of impressions of him acting so pious it made me sick after his stroke, when he started to fear death. It was all so fake and guilt-driven. My grandmother was someone I didn't really know and who definitely never knew me, nor did she want to. Being around her was like being around a pastel, rose-outlined blinking light-up sign that reads "are you acceptable yet?" She died in December and everyone else at the funeral sobbed about how accepting and supportive she was and I felt like I was at the wrong person's service.


So standing there at Papaw's funeral, realizing that the one person who felt like an accepting, loving grandparent to me was gone forever, and that I didn't even have a history to reflect on, brought up all this repressed pain about my terrible biofamily. And also guilt because who am I to mourn when people who have loved him all their lives are there? And what a terrible support to Topaz, focusing on my own shit while they're hurting. Ugh. Lots of mixed-up guts.

The two days before the funeral I was in a wedding for one of my best friends which involved a really intense two-full-day project of interacting with strangers and once-removeds who have Very Specific Ideas of What Is Proper (fortunately I really liked the other brides-minions, as my sweet friend called us rather than misgender me). That was also a whirlbang of emotions because it made me think about my own wedding so many years ago.


Slight scroogy tangent: I'm generally of the opinion that it's better to not get married since the institution of marriage is both rooted in patriarchy and a very powerful force for role-enforcing which can wreck the noblest of egalitarian intentions, but

I think Allison and Jonathan do have the makings of a lifelong healthy, mutually nourishing connection and I think they will manage to maintain their selfhoods despite the influence of marriage, so I can support them in this choice.

Jonathan loves Allison in a way that I have rarely seen a person love another, and I so deeply appreciate for Allison. He doesn't want to change Allison at all, and he beams at her when she enthuses over things, when she's loud and silly and flails for longer than is socially acceptable. He never looks embarrassed or like he's trying to tone her down. Never. Which, as a loud, silly, flailing person myself, makes me feel respected by proxy and so relieved that I can trust Jonathan not to mistreat Allison.

The thing I really didn't expect and that hit me hard was that their families are treating this marriage as a merge and creation of a new shared family, which is so rare and so precious. The side effect of seeing how truly Allison is accepted and valued by family and friends and spouse and how the families are taking their metamour relationships seriously reminded me of how much my spouse and family tried to change and silence me and how they never even saw me, much less appreciated the parts of me that are not socially acceptable. It was tolerated at best if they couldn't manage to ignore it or snuff it out. And I know Allison's family is not perfect! But they really do try to understand her, and they keep on trying until they get it at least partly. Allison walked down the aisle to the Star Wars intro music, and Allison's mom thought that was terrible at first but came around to it. And I like that even with a knee-jerk negative reaction, she still tries to understand.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world though, family issues or no. Being able to witness and be part of Allison and Jonathan committing to each other was beautiful and sacred to me and I was so honored to be included.

This week my landlord told me I have to get out of my house by the end of the month, and then he took it back but I definitely am not safe here so I still have to get out as soon as possible.


Last week after allll the things, I ran out of energy and I realized that I don't have any to spare right now, and that it had been at least three weeks since Evelyn and I had an interaction that was nourishing to me. I've been feeling a lot of stress trying to maintain contact because they've been vague and brusque in responses which says to me that they don't want to be talking to me (because their natural cadence is verbose and specific). But then they tell me that it's not that they don't want to talk to me, and I have to discount my own senses and logic to believe them. I can only do this for so long before it starts to wear on my relationship with myself.

They're struggling to claim their own right to self-care, which I can very much empathize with but I find it really difficult to maintain my own self-care in such a situation because all I want to do is Be the Rescuer but that is so bad for everyone involved. So basically I need them to take care of themself at least SOME else I get filled with anxious urges I then have to spend a lot of energy fighting.

They had set a goal a couple of weeks ago to have at least one hour to themself every day, but they hadn't kept up with it. They spend literally every waking hour devoted to work or another person (not by request, but from their own impulse) and this wears them out to an extreme measure, by any standards. So I told them that until they manage to have a habit of at least a small daily amount of self-care, I need to be more cautious in my investment, which I will do by not initiating conversations or plans. I told them that I'm still open to seeing them and I'm happy to respond to whatever texts/emails they might send, but that essentially I wasn't going to devote initiatory energy to them right now. I tried to put it as gently and kindly as I could, but I think it might still have read to them as "you're not good enough and I hate you, get out" because they seem to see boundary-setting for self-care as a violent act, which is part of why it is so hard for them to do.

So, since they haven't responded at all, I don't know if they are angry, or sad, or just not bothering, or what. I texted once after sending the email to ask if they would at least send me two words to let me know if they had read it or not, but they either didn't get the text (their phone has been losing random chunks of my texts) or even that was too much. I don't want to break my intention by texting again so I'll just assume they read it and didn't feel able to respond.


Feeling the connection with Evelyn crumble slowly over the past few weeks was really disheartening because I thought things were changing, and I think I had good reason to think that. They made significant progress but they just slid back as far as they went forward. They didn't dig in and stay put. And I feel loss and I fear how long this will last -- is this another Aurilion? They show up in my life for a brief beautiful period and then vanish entirely for months or years? They told me they wouldn't leave, and I believed them. But so did Aurilion promise, every time they came back. So.

Oh also yesterday was the 7-year anniversary of my divorce.


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belenen: (aquarius)
dreams (fish made of glass, IP on a ship, Abby, tables/clock conflict w Pat, Kylei, Lexi, ableism)
icon: "aquarius (a painting of someone with pale skin and long dark hair laying on their back in the surf, head tipped back grinning toward something above their head, with waves crashing behind/beyond their knees. by Guillaume Seignac)"

dreams from this month! )


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belenen: (shows -- Xena happiness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past
icon: "shows -- xena happiness (Xena and Gabrielle looking at each other and smiling as they walk)"


It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

all of the people! it's pretty long )


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belenen: (dreamy)
dreams (lots w ex-in-laws & bodies of water & sex & escape & dealing w evil people)
icon: "dreamy (a painting by pupasoul of a human figure in a cage, holding a hand out from which radiates light and squiggly sparkly vines of energy)"

15-12-22: wanting to connect w ex-spouse )

15-12-23: hannah came to visit: we are chased, rescued by small boy )

16-1-8: dating two people, cuddling in church )

16-1-9: ex-in-laws give great gifts then punch me in the crotch, later I deal with an attacker who is impossible to kill )

16-1-10: ex-mum-in-law very happy to see me, then deal w roaches )


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belenen: (fish)
dreams (fish in champagne flutes w water beads / seeking out my ex-spouse -who is warm? / mockery)
icon: "fish (my fractal "Strange Babies": an abstract glassy sphere missing pieces. At its center are three pink elongated ovals ending in flared yellow)"

20th: I dreamed about fish out of water again. This time they were bettas in about 30 champagne flutes that were filled with water-beads, so they could barely survive and couldn't move almost at all. They belonged to my mother. I took them out one by one and put them in a giant (6' by 3' by 3') but completely devoid of decoration water tank. For some reason I thought they would try to eat the water beads if they were in the big tank, so I had to get them out very carefully. Some of the glasses had two fish in them! I often have dreams about fish in need of rescue but I haven't figured out the pattern yet.

21st: I dreamed that I wanted to reconnect with my ex-spouse, in a limited way. I had a list of things but I can't remember what they are. I felt self-conscious of being fat and wanted to ask if they had had sex with a fat person before (because I am significantly larger than I was when we were together). It was very strange. I felt somehow comforted by their presence, and they felt very warm and cozy (which is not actually how I feel around them). Later that dream I was really warm and friendly to someone (random 'person I knew in high school': a conglomerate of faces) and afterward realized they were mocking me.


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belenen: (disassociative)
dream about familial exclusion / triggered about fam-by-love / craving touch
icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

I dreamed last night that I happened to go to my ex-spouse's family's old house, and they were all there hanging out and playing, and my biofamily (aunts and cousins) were there too. And they were like "what are you doing here?" with surprise but not even embarrassed that they had left me out and I knew. If they had any emotions about it, it was slight annoyance that I was there. I hadn't consciously been thinking about family but apparently knowing that I was going to be hanging out with Topaz' family today was bringing stuff up already.

Then while we were there today there was a moment where I felt abandoned and it triggered old feelings (of being abandoned, ignored, and lied to) which apparently haven't lost their power? Must I go through this every time I am around someone's biofamily? I'm so tired of it. But I feel like I'm always on probation and always will be, because I can't be enough of myself to even tell if they would accept me if they actually knew me. So... forever uncertain, constantly on edge.

Sydney was there and they had some really good talks with Topaz and me. I wish they lived closer so that I could spend more time with them.

Today was just really hard. I'm craving touch but have a hard time asking for it because if I ask without being able to handle a 'no' that's pressurey and gross, but there are only so many 'no's I can handle per period of time. So if I ask and get a no, it takes a while before I can ask again. And I associate having to ask for touch with being unloved, so it's this tangled mess -- I feel the need for reassurance that I am loved if gifted touch doesn't just happen.

Because when I love someone I crave touching them, so even though I logically understand that that isn't true for everyone, I don't emotionally understand it. Lots of people feel a strong urge to pet a kitten or puppy when they are nearby - I feel this about humans I love. It can be physically difficult for me to hold back (if we are in public and they aren't comfortable with PDA for instance).


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belenen: (tenebrous)
failure w ex-partner / need to know true feelings esp negative
icon: "tenebrous (a dark, orangey photo of me in a heart-crushed moment, looking down, tear-streaked face.)"

I had a weird experience today where I was failing at words and logic, getting lost. Usually that kind of fail is ADD meds related and that had a little to do with it as I took my meds really early and forgot to break the pill in half and save the second half for the afternoon. But then I got disproportionately upset and suddenly realized I was projecting and trying to rescue my friend from my own fate, not theirs. My failure with my ex-partner in transitioning from monogamy to polyamory apparently still hurts. I really thought I was over it. I did everything I could and I really couldn't have tried harder, but it wasn't enough because when it came down to it my ex just didn't want to. We practiced poly for two years before we broke up, but they didn't actually try to change their thinking or understand me, they just avoided thinking about it and lived in denial - possible, because my relationships were all long-distance. They told me they were okay with it and even happy for my happiness but it wasn't true, as they told me later. Once they stopped being able to pretend, that was the end. They dumped me by starting to date someone else (while we were still supposedly together) and deciding to be monogamous with that person.

My greatest fear in relationships is that someone will pretend to be okay with something and not actually be okay with it. Pretend to love all of me and really just be tolerating parts of me or pretending them away. When I say greatest fear, I mean I'd rather someone get furious with me, be cruel to me, and dump me. I'd rather they express any possible negative feeling about any part of me rather than pretend like or indifference.

This is why it is so important to me that my close friends be willing and able to tell me when I upset them in any way, or when they don't like something about me, and be honest with me when they don't care one way or the other about an aspect of me or things that are important to me.


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belenen: (kanika kitty)
prompt 12: my connection with Kanika, from adoption to now.
[livejournal.com profile] sabr gave me this prompt for March 12: This is my horse, TC Nighthawk's birthday. I have a close relationship with him, and we are very close in age - I want to know more about your connection with animals, and where they fit in/shape/improve your life. Tell me about an important connection you have to any particular animal, past or present!

I like this prompt (sorry about it not being on the right day!); I want to tell the story of my relationship with Kanika, because it is certainly an important connection.

I got Kanika as a kitten of about 2 months old, nine years ago. When I met zir, I knew ze was mine when I held zir on zir back in my hands and looked at zir little face, and ze just lay there calmly and made eye contact with me for a minute. Now if you've met Kanika, this should blow your mind; ze doesn't like being held, and would never tolerate being on zir back and not fighting. I think it was just that ze was distracted with my gaze. Ze was a squirmy little thing and a wild teenager; my ex-partner who lived with me then thought ze would never listen to anything. But I'm a very patient person, and I knew that repetition was the key; now I can ask zir to move and ze will, unless ze's feeling threatened, and ze waits patiently when being fed instead of shoving zir face in the way.

When very young ze did like to be held; this changed when ze was sitting on my lap one day and I was petting zir during an argument with my then-partner, who slapped Kanika out of my hand and across the room out of anger at me. (if not for the fact that my ex then cried for literal hours and my belief at the time that marriage meant forever, that would have been the end of our time together. ze never did anything like that again) I was terrified but Kanika was unharmed physically; however ze does not trust people. It was that trust-breaking moment that was the reason ze doesn't like being picked up and rejected it entirely for years. I believe in respecting the wishes of other beings, so I will pick Kanika up when ze is being friendly, but as soon as ze meows I put zir down. Sometimes ze meows as soon as zir feet leave the floor, sometimes it's a while later, sometimes ze doesn't meow at all but I can tell ze is done and wants to be put down and I do it without zir asking. Ze sometimes likes to be hugged loosely and petted when ze's sitting on my desk right at waist level, and when ze wants to do that ze will come over and put front paws on my leg and meow (if ze's being polite) or just jump up (when I usually give a quick pet and hug and then put zir back on the floor). Ze sleeps at my feet a lot when I am at my computer, and always comes to lay on me for a minute when I first get in bed.

photos and videos, apologies for poor quality on most of them )

Kanika has bonded with people I've lived with, to the point that when I didn't have a good place for Kanika ze lived with Arizona and I would have left zir there. I would not miss Kanika very much if I knew ze was in a safe space where ze felt cared for. Ze's not my baby, ze's more like a sibling (with pretty intense social anxiety). I love zir but we don't have the bond I had with my other cats. Maybe this will change over time, as ze seems to be getting more relaxed, but I still have to be on guard with zir. We've never reached a place where I can just trust zir to not lash out (though I can trust zir not to cause damage, but the lashing out feels like a slap to the face and it takes a while to calm down from). I feel deep understanding of why ze does things, so I don't resent them, but they keep us distant.

I think another reason Kanika is anxious is that in the early days of me having zir, I was working through childhood sexual abuse and was in a state of terror pretty often, and Kanika is very empathetic. I couldn't leave the house alone and if the apartment yard maintenance people came by I ran into my room and hid (holding an axe no less), and Kanika ran with me. I think this taught zir some fear of strangers. Ze still gets really freaked out if someone knocks, leaps up and looks scared like I used to when strangers would come around. Ze's still anxious around people but it is much lessened now that there are no other cats or people living with us; ze can even hang out when there are guests without freaking out.

Kanika's sensitivity to energy also means that if someone touches zir -- or reaches to touch zir -- who has bouncy energy, ze reacts as if that person literally bounced a rubber ball on zir. And even with me there are a limit to the amount of strokes ze can handle before being overstimulated. It also means that sometimes when I'm sick or in pain (physical or emotional), ze comes and kneads me, rubs on me, tolerates more holding than usual. When I'm doing magic, ze comes and sits within the energy of it, or climbs on top of things (when I'm crafting this is not as true, so I feel sure it's the energy of it and not the mere activity of it). So despite not feeling very close in some ways, I feel like we do have an important connection. I value zir company and love zir in all zir anxious, cranky, clever, playful, beautiful, sensitive glory.


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belenen: (waterstar)
love memory bank 1 - Topaz, Camellia, Allison, Viv, Aurilion, Firekat, Heather, Anika, Adi, etc!
Something I've decided to start doing in keeping with LJ being my external memory is to keep a "love memory bank" on my phone to jot down when people make me feel extra-loved, and post that in increments here.

from my birthday to now )


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past (updated for the first time in 4 years!)
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

all of the people! it's pretty long )


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belenen: (pensive)
ex-partner awkwardness / mirrors and resonance
I saw my ex-partner at school today -- so strange and awkward! That's the one relationship of which there are no living remains. With everyone else there is at least a little connection or desire. I'm curious about zir life, but not in an emotionally-invested way, more in a "so that is what my life could have been like" kind of way.

And it made me think about mirrors. I think some people (like my bioparent P) are hammered into mirrors by being disallowed to have any independent thought or action, and others are mirrors because it is an easier kind of relationship than communication and self-awareness. I don't know about nowadays, but when my ex and I were together I thought we agreed on so many things because ze was a mirror. And when I spent time with Ash I thought we agreed too, but ze was just mirroring. And then I wonder about myself -- do I attract these people because I am an easy model to reproduce due to my transparency? Or a scarier thought, am I subconsciously attracted to them because I like being reflected? I think it's more likely that I seek real resonance and used to be fooled by the mirroring -- it has been a few years since then, and I have learned to tell the difference at least somewhat, I think. My current understanding of the way to tell is that if someone truly agrees with me on something, that is true whether I'm around them or not, and whether or not I have discussed it with them lately. If they're just mirroring, they won't spot nuances on their own, they won't seek out more information on their own, and they won't apply it to their lives in their own ways.

ETA: I think mirroring can be conscious or it can be habitual. It's is a really useful skill when talking to a boss or some other non-empathetic dispenser of resources; I think it's only a problem when it prevents intimacy or substitutes for it. I think if you are comfortable uttering disagreements with people, having constructive conflict, and maintaining boundaries that are good for you, it is unlikely that you have a habit of mirroring. But I don't have experience from the inside, myself, so I'm just guessing. I don't think I've ever mirrored successfully, though I certainly try when it comes to job interviews :-p


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belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


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belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


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belenen: (dreamy)
dream (old friend turns lookist &violent, steals my mobility / ex-partner is affectionate/attentive)
dream! )

What is really bizarre about this is that both dream-characters are so different from the faces they took on. Allison was probably my most body-positive friend in high school, as well as one of the most non-judgmental people I've known and not at all violent. B is probably the least cuddly person I know and (at least in the past) one of the least 'let's work it out' people I know.

But then, my dreams about speaking up about lookism tend to result in people being violently angry with me. Does my psyche use it as a symbol for all prejudice? that makes sense as it contributes massively to all other prejudices. Maybe I'm really afraid of being attacked if I speak up boldly. In the dreams, something happens that is intensely dreadful enough to shock me out of fear. In real life it's almost always more subtle and when I respond I always try to do so gently (unless I have great trust that the person will listen to my argument regardless of 'tone').
sounds: Massive Attack - Safe From Harm | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


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belenen: (dreamy)
dream (old friend turns lookist &violent, steals my mobility / ex-partner is affectionate/attentive)
dream! )

What is really bizarre about this is that both dream-characters are so different from the faces they took on. Allison was probably my most body-positive friend in high school, as well as one of the most non-judgmental people I've known and not at all violent. B is probably the least cuddly person I know and (at least in the past) one of the least 'let's work it out' people I know.

But then, my dreams about speaking up about lookism tend to result in people being violently angry with me. Does my psyche use it as a symbol for all prejudice? that makes sense as it contributes massively to all other prejudices. Maybe I'm really afraid of being attacked if I speak up boldly. In the dreams, something happens that is intensely dreadful enough to shock me out of fear. In real life it's almost always more subtle and when I respond I always try to do so gently (unless I have great trust that the person will listen to my argument regardless of 'tone').
sounds: Massive Attack - Safe From Harm | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


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belenen: (hypnotiq)
talking with ex-partner / contact with Maggie / family / Pride & feminist queer community / in flux
So much has happened recently, agh, I keep wanting to write and being either blocked or too busy. I'm blocked right now, thus this is rambling.

friendly terms with ex-partner and ex-partner's ex )

School is going decently and I'm not too freaked out about it anymore. My car desperately needs to get in the shop (ze's guzzling a quart of oil for every two gallons of gas :-<). Home is lovely... I haven't been spending as much time there but when I get to spend time with my people it makes me very happy. Last weekend Arizona and I took R (the oldest kid) to Pagan Pride festival and it reminded me so much of spending time with my lil sis when ze was younger <3 I love this family so much. G (the five year old) talks to me now of zir own volition (which means I'm officially Cool). And P is so full of questions about everything! Ze knows that being queer is pretty important to me and so ze brings it up with questions whenever ze can think of them ;-)

Speaking of which, I went to my first Pride the other day and was very disappointed. I think I might have felt differently if I'd gone on Saturday to the Trans March and the Dyke March, but I just went to the festival and saw only one booth that seemed even genderqueer-friendly. Arizona (the same person I started dating in May, going by a different name online) and I agreed that probably it's much more fun if you go with a bunch of queer friends, but it's not a place to discover community (which I was subconsciously hoping for). BUT. Two weeks ago Arizona and I went to a Feminist Outlawz Queer Pride dance party which was OMFGGGG amazing, art and feminism and queerness and genderfucking <3 And it reminded me that I need to make more of an effort to get down to Atlanta because the community I'm looking for does exist! That was a big deal for me because I went without having someone as my tie-in, you know, the person who is already connected to the community and acts as a bridge? and yet no one kicked me out, heh, and now I feel much more confident about joining in on things that before I felt I needed someone to bridge me in on.

My romantic relationships are all in pretty major flux at the moment... I don't have the time to write about them right now but I think that I'm weaving threads that are going to last a very, very long time in my life pattern.


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belenen: (hypnotiq)
talking with ex-partner / contact with Maggie / family / Pride & feminist queer community / in flux
So much has happened recently, agh, I keep wanting to write and being either blocked or too busy. I'm blocked right now, thus this is rambling.

friendly terms with ex-partner and ex-partner's ex )

School is going decently and I'm not too freaked out about it anymore. My car desperately needs to get in the shop (ze's guzzling a quart of oil for every two gallons of gas :-<). Home is lovely... I haven't been spending as much time there but when I get to spend time with my people it makes me very happy. Last weekend Arizona and I took R (the oldest kid) to Pagan Pride festival and it reminded me so much of spending time with my lil sis when ze was younger <3 I love this family so much. G (the five year old) talks to me now of zir own volition (which means I'm officially Cool). And P is so full of questions about everything! Ze knows that being queer is pretty important to me and so ze brings it up with questions whenever ze can think of them ;-)

Speaking of which, I went to my first Pride the other day and was very disappointed. I think I might have felt differently if I'd gone on Saturday to the Trans March and the Dyke March, but I just went to the festival and saw only one booth that seemed even genderqueer-friendly. Arizona (the same person I started dating in May, going by a different name online) and I agreed that probably it's much more fun if you go with a bunch of queer friends, but it's not a place to discover community (which I was subconsciously hoping for). BUT. Two weeks ago Arizona and I went to a Feminist Outlawz Queer Pride dance party which was OMFGGGG amazing, art and feminism and queerness and genderfucking <3 And it reminded me that I need to make more of an effort to get down to Atlanta because the community I'm looking for does exist! That was a big deal for me because I went without having someone as my tie-in, you know, the person who is already connected to the community and acts as a bridge? and yet no one kicked me out, heh, and now I feel much more confident about joining in on things that before I felt I needed someone to bridge me in on.

My romantic relationships are all in pretty major flux at the moment... I don't have the time to write about them right now but I think that I'm weaving threads that are going to last a very, very long time in my life pattern.


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belenen: (ecstatic)
meeting up with [ex-husband] and finally spirit-realizing that there is nothing between us
Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).

Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it )

Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with [livejournal.com profile] justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.
sounds: Radiohead - Optimistic | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (ecstatic)
meeting up with [ex-husband] and finally spirit-realizing that there is nothing between us
Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).

Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it )

Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with [livejournal.com profile] justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.
sounds: Radiohead - Optimistic | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (disassociative)
holding my tongue is suffocating me
I am so fucking unhappy right now. cut for more of the same )
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belenen: (disassociative)
holding my tongue is suffocating me
I am so fucking unhappy right now. cut for more of the same )
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belenen: (confused)
I want to be close friends with Maggie, dammit.
O dear. I like Maggie -- a lot :-? Ze took me to pick up my car at the last minute today, and ze GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Not just anything either, a so-thoughtful present -- after ONE CONVERSATION. (the one I mentioned here) We'd talked briefly about makeup and I explained that my love for makeup came from my love for color and I liked BRIGHT vivid colors. So ze got me this eye stuff that you put on under shadow to make it brighter and more intense! And a deep shimmery purple shadow also. Presents that say "I listened and paid attention to even your casual mentions" are just... wow. Which reminds me, [livejournal.com profile] justben brought me pushpins the other day after I mentioned (in a long blathery post) that I had run out! I was just flabbergasted by how thoughtful that was! ♥ and oh-so-charmed :D

complicatedness, loneliness )

And you know what? If I had been honest with myself and all of you about the utter lack of emotional nourishment in my relationship with [ex], I know some of you would have kicked my ass into a breakup sooner :-p I think this ended at the right time this time, but I still want to learn from this and remember not self-censor like that again. It took me reaching the very end to confess to myself that utter neglect IS a good reason to end things.
sounds: The Cranberries - Will You Remember? | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (confused)
I want to be close friends with Maggie, dammit.
O dear. I like Maggie -- a lot :-? Ze took me to pick up my car at the last minute today, and ze GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Not just anything either, a so-thoughtful present -- after ONE CONVERSATION. (the one I mentioned here) We'd talked briefly about makeup and I explained that my love for makeup came from my love for color and I liked BRIGHT vivid colors. So ze got me this eye stuff that you put on under shadow to make it brighter and more intense! And a deep shimmery purple shadow also. Presents that say "I listened and paid attention to even your casual mentions" are just... wow. Which reminds me, [livejournal.com profile] justben brought me pushpins the other day after I mentioned (in a long blathery post) that I had run out! I was just flabbergasted by how thoughtful that was! ♥ and oh-so-charmed :D

complicatedness, loneliness )

And you know what? If I had been honest with myself and all of you about the utter lack of emotional nourishment in my relationship with [ex], I know some of you would have kicked my ass into a breakup sooner :-p I think this ended at the right time this time, but I still want to learn from this and remember not self-censor like that again. It took me reaching the very end to confess to myself that utter neglect IS a good reason to end things.
sounds: The Cranberries - Will You Remember? | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (dreamy)
dreams (I tell [ex] how ze hurt me, watch people try on Maggie's wedding dress, steer a spaceship)
variations on a theme )

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.
sounds: Other Lives - Paper Cities | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (dreamy)
dreams (I tell [ex] how ze hurt me, watch people try on Maggie's wedding dress, steer a spaceship)
variations on a theme )

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.
sounds: Other Lives - Paper Cities | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (plant magic)
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

important events in 2009 )


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belenen: (Default)
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

important events in 2009 )


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past
These are the characters in the story of my life:
from 2009 )


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past
These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka [livejournal.com profile] girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka [livejournal.com profile] justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka [livejournal.com profile] theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka [livejournal.com profile] shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka [livejournal.com profile] acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka [livejournal.com profile] aerialmelodies
Sara aka [livejournal.com profile] theindiequeen
Kristen aka [livejournal.com profile] gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka [livejournal.com profile] clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka [livejournal.com profile] aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka [livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka [livejournal.com profile] sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka [livejournal.com profile] cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka [livejournal.com profile] mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka [livejournal.com profile] earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.





most mentioned: )
localtribe: )
people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )
people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )


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belenen: (snarling)
I kept all of our vows, ze broke ALL of them! dishonorable and full of lies
and the ex loses the last shred of respect I had for zir )

heh, oh how appropriate the music I chose. Some part of me fucking knew and did it anyway. wow. I feel comforted by that. Me and my brave-or-masochistic heart.

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
that's all I need
Don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me

You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
sounds: Damien Rice - Volcano | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (Default)
I kept all of our vows, ze broke ALL of them! dishonorable and full of lies
and the ex loses the last shred of respect I had for zir )

heh, oh how appropriate the music I chose. Some part of me fucking knew and did it anyway. wow. I feel comforted by that. Me and my brave-or-masochistic heart.

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
that's all I need
Don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me

You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
sounds: Damien Rice - Volcano | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (antagonistic)
another ex complaint.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? AGH. [Ex] lets Maggie take photos of zir. happily. and post them publicly. (not ashamed to be associated with Maggie I suppose) I want to claw [ex]'s fucking eyes out. "I'm just not comfortable having photos taken of me" Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies. Which I believed and respected, ARGH!

Speaking of which, I should really get around to that post I've been meaning to write on what it means to me to take portraits. And photos in general. It's something so central to my life and yet I've never really expressed what it means to me. But I'm not going to write it in the same post as an ex-complaint and I need to go to sleep so
sounds: Dolores O'Riordan - Throw Your Arms Around Me | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (antagonistic)
another ex complaint.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? AGH. [Ex] lets Maggie take photos of zir. happily. and post them publicly. (not ashamed to be associated with Maggie I suppose) I want to claw [ex]'s fucking eyes out. "I'm just not comfortable having photos taken of me" Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies. Which I believed and respected, ARGH!

Speaking of which, I should really get around to that post I've been meaning to write on what it means to me to take portraits. And photos in general. It's something so central to my life and yet I've never really expressed what it means to me. But I'm not going to write it in the same post as an ex-complaint and I need to go to sleep so
sounds: Dolores O'Riordan - Throw Your Arms Around Me | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (strong)
posty mcpostsalot appreciates Alanis
this is so exactly fucking IT that it makes me laugh a little.

Alanis' 'You Oughta Know' )
sounds: Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (strong)
posty mcpostsalot appreciates Alanis
this is so exactly fucking IT that it makes me laugh a little.

Alanis' 'You Oughta Know' )
sounds: Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (pain)

more fucking bullshit )
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belenen: (pain)

more fucking bullshit )
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belenen: (snarling)
hate letter to my ex
there's nothing merry about this, so feel free to skip )


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belenen: (Default)
hate letter to my ex
there's nothing merry about this, so feel free to skip )


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belenen: (powerful)
realization: I've been sad and sick and stressed -- but not depressed!
This time starting back to work has been so different. I got terribly sick on the FIRST day and have yet to have a truly healthy day at work, it's been WINTER-dark and dreadfully cold, I've had to get up early, I've been financially stressed, my car was acting up and I was worried that I might need to take zir in to get fixed, and my ex has been a shithead. And YET, and YET I've been able to live and enjoy life for times during this! Being at work with no way of distracting myself from my feelings for hours isn't torture! Even when I only get 7 hours of sleep I'm okay for a FULL DAY! Instead of nearly all joy being blocked out, I can actually receive it -- even when I'm upset!

Oh my God! It's so different to live without depression! It's so amazing to live without that weight on my shoulders! I still count my spoons pretty carefully because I do not want to get into a down spiral, but even when I think I've used them up I find more. God! It's so different! And looking back, I feel so validated. I was legitimately suffering, not just lazy or 'shy' or 'quiet' or unwilling to be happy. Not being depressed makes general-living so EASY and NATURAL, and recovery from hurt is so much faster. Wow. And if anti-depressants give people-with-depression a sample of this, medication suddenly makes sense to me in a whole new way! to have hope that one day you won't have to hoard every drop of your energy because the littlest things take so much out of you. I had no idea that normal people lived like this.

I am lucky, I know, with so many people who love me ♥ but I've been that kind of lucky before, and it didn't nourish me like this because depression was blocking it. Oh thank the universe for healing.


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belenen: (powerful)
realization: I've been sad and sick and stressed -- but not depressed!
This time starting back to work has been so different. I got terribly sick on the FIRST day and have yet to have a truly healthy day at work, it's been WINTER-dark and dreadfully cold, I've had to get up early, I've been financially stressed, my car was acting up and I was worried that I might need to take zir in to get fixed, and my ex has been a shithead. And YET, and YET I've been able to live and enjoy life for times during this! Being at work with no way of distracting myself from my feelings for hours isn't torture! Even when I only get 7 hours of sleep I'm okay for a FULL DAY! Instead of nearly all joy being blocked out, I can actually receive it -- even when I'm upset!

Oh my God! It's so different to live without depression! It's so amazing to live without that weight on my shoulders! I still count my spoons pretty carefully because I do not want to get into a down spiral, but even when I think I've used them up I find more. God! It's so different! And looking back, I feel so validated. I was legitimately suffering, not just lazy or 'shy' or 'quiet' or unwilling to be happy. Not being depressed makes general-living so EASY and NATURAL, and recovery from hurt is so much faster. Wow. And if anti-depressants give people-with-depression a sample of this, medication suddenly makes sense to me in a whole new way! to have hope that one day you won't have to hoard every drop of your energy because the littlest things take so much out of you. I had no idea that normal people lived like this.

I am lucky, I know, with so many people who love me ♥ but I've been that kind of lucky before, and it didn't nourish me like this because depression was blocking it. Oh thank the universe for healing.


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belenen: (tenebrous)
awful week: sick, financial stress, feeling loss, ex being cruel / feeling lonely, untrusting, angry
This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). And it really hit me that we are actually over. )

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me all kinds of negative, hurtful bullshit ) But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

I really wish I'd fucked up more or given less effort )

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.
sounds: Radiohead - Optimistic | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (tenebrous)
awful week: sick, financial stress, feeling loss, ex being cruel / feeling lonely, untrusting, angry
This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). And it really hit me that we are actually over. )

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me all kinds of negative, hurtful bullshit ) But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

I really wish I'd fucked up more or given less effort )

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.
sounds: Radiohead - Optimistic | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (nascent)
questioning myself: curiosity, fearlessness, censoring, sex
Lately I've been questioning some things about myself. My lil sis came to visit and as I watched zir interact with people ze didn't know, I saw myself, or rather an aspect of myself which I have lost. Ze is completely uninhibited about asking questions -- which is something that I think my trueself is also completely free about. I seem to have lost some of my curiosity and fearlessness in face-to-face interactions (I think through years of having only reticent people in my face-to-face life and getting burnt out). I expect noncommittal or annoyed responses, and since I don't want those, I don't ask. But that's not really how everyone is, and I need to keep in mind that the benefits DO exist and WILL outweigh the negative. I want to be that fearless and I desperately want my curiosity back. I was a little shocked the other day to realize that I found someone boring. I mean, I don't expect to be equally fascinated by everyone, but to find someone boring is just... not right, for me. And the strange thing is, I would be interested enough to read zir life story, but in person, in conversation, somehow my curiosity fades? and I think it's a matter of not knowing the right questions to peel back the layers. I need practice.

Also, self-censoring. My one actual regret in my relationship with my ex was that I censored myself for zir sake -- but even though I only did it consciously in those aspects of my life where ze might be affected, it changed me. Really for the worse, and I'm finding it so difficult to climb out. When I was free, I wasn't very socially aberrant, so I have no concept of how to be free AND socially aberrant at the same time. And when it comes to conflict? I used to love it and actively seek it out. Now I feel neutral about it, and will happily meet it if it comes to me, but on things that could-be-conflict-or-could-be-nothing, I tend to let them be nothing. And that annoys me because I'm not sure why I do it. Do I do it because it's the wise thing to do (no pearls before swine and all that) or because it's the easy thing to do or because I've lost faith that people give a shit? That last bit sounds SO AWFUL but I think that's what it is. I just get so tired of the list of things that are upsetting to me and are normal to most everyone else (and I get sick of explaining OVER and OVER). It's almost enough to make me wish I'd stayed ignorant and could be okay with stereotypes and exclusionary attitudes and prejudice. Or at least, okay with all the subtle stuff like most people are. But anyway I have to learn how to be ME without hiding bits out of habit. ARGHHHHH it upsets me SO MUCH to realize just how much of a habit it has become to hide. ME, hiding! Fuck! I don't want to just swing the pendulum, but I need to increase my conflict at least for a time so that I can learn what is hiding/cynicism and what is sensible-refraining-from-useless-discussion. :-///

And then there's this strange idea people seem to have about me -- that I'm lovey and sensual maybe, but not very fierce or sexual )

Hmm, looking over this, I think there is a single core issue -- communicating more freely. I'm thinking about doing some kind of experiment, something to shake me into speaking. Maybe spending a week or 11 days asking every question that I want to ask and speaking every objection that I think without considering how a person might react. I'll reflect on it.
sounds: My Brightest Diamond - Disappear | Powered by Last.fm
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