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belenen: (Default)
belenen

June 2017

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (Default)
2016 summary: some of the best weeks and worst months of my life.
icon: "confused (photo of a purple diamond-shaped sign with a line leading to four arrows all curving and pointing in different directions)"

I started 2016 with a lot of hope. In January I connected a lot with Kylei, Sande, and Hannah; I had two graduation parties and started making more plans to spend time with people, and I started meditating weekly-ish with Elizabeth. But by the end of January I ended up in a dark crash over how little I felt connected to people. The beginning of February was a little better -- I got to go to Big Trees with some of my favorite people, and Topaz hosted Heather's birthday which was also nourishing and fun. But then I went to a party at Kylei's and had a terrible anxiety crash which ended up leaking into the next day and causing a horrifically painful miscommunication with Topaz. Later that month I went to the activist meet-and-greet for the first time after meaning to go for ages, and met three awesome new people. But just introducing myself made my heart beat painfully hard. At the end of February I asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me anxiety meds and start being medicated for that for the first time.

In March I did a lot of social -- met with four friends as well as with my ex-mother-in-law. I also began a four-week break with Topaz, in an effort to re-set our relationship which had become too central for both of us. In April I had two tinder fails (one flaked and the other I could hardly talk with), made a new friend, hosted a crafty party and a cuddly communion, spent time with Roger and Serenity, and went to Euphoria where I gave a talk on intimacy and made a game with it. (yeah I'd say that the anxiety meds were helping!) In May I spent a lot of time with Serenity and Evelyn, hosted a cuddly communion, spent time with Katie, Allison, Serra, and Indie, and wrote a lot of important posts. In June I spent lots of time with Serenity, presented at APW and SFQP, hung out with Arizona, Sande, Allison, Kylei, Evelyn, and Cass, and had a truth-or-truth videochat with LJ friends, as well as writing a lot of important posts.

In July stuff started getting very stressful -- Topaz went through something really traumatic, Kanika had a medical emergency and I had to take her to the vet, my little sister came in town unexpectedly, and I ran out of money and had to start begging from my bioparents. But also I spent lots of good time with Serenity and had several gathers -- two with my lil sis, also Katie, Allison, Hannah, Kylei, Elliott, Evelyn, Sande, Cass, and even Adi, so that part was positive. But August brought a lot of painful stuff for Topaz, was when I ran out of ADD meds with no access to a doctor, and was the last time I saw Evelyn for months. Roger and Allison were supportive and helpful, and I went to a SONG membership meeting which gave me hope like nothing else except for TBC ever has.

September I got a job at Starbux and finally started getting call backs and interviews for a few of the hundreds of applications I had sent. My awful bioparents also invaded my house and stayed for a month, harassing me about money, rearranging my stuff and throwing some of it away without my permission, invading my bedroom, and being transphobic. October was mostly filled up with my awful bioparents and working at Starbux but at the very end I began doing LJ Idol again. In November things got still worse -- Evelyn officially broke things off with me and Kylei blew up at me and told me we can't be friends. Then later that month Evelyn invited me to a party at their house which ended up being an emotional disaster. I quit Starbux for my new job.

December was a very mixed bag. I started my new job, which was amazing; I got a new psychiatrist and finally got medicated for ADD again; I got to spend time with Arizona, Felix, Felix's people Blaire and Shay, Allison, Jonathan, Heather, Brian, Jessica, and my little sister. But also, my grandmother died and I had to spend time with my awful biofamily, and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't really enjoy Solstice. It was also a sad reminder of my estrangement from Kylei and Evelyn, because I wanted them at Solstice so much.

detailed events )


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belenen: (shows -- Xena happiness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past
icon: "shows -- xena happiness (Xena and Gabrielle looking at each other and smiling as they walk)"


It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

all of the people! it's pretty long )


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belenen: (overwhelmed)
relationships: Kylei / Abby / Anika / Heather / KWT / Lilywolf / Topaz / Allison / Jaime / Adi / Kat
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

Reflecting on my relationships this past week, I realized that I have been pouring a lot of energy out and not getting much back. This isn't a problem when I'm in a period of abundance, because I don't mind it in and of itself, but I'm still recovering from my 2012 suicidal depression, and last November/ December were hugely draining - so it's not something I can healthily do right now. So I have to figure out how to spend less energy and/or get more, hopefully without hurting feelings or sparking resentment. I feel a bit of a failure about this, because I was working so hard on reconnecting with people I love, and I feel sure that if I stop putting so much in, some of those connections will wither. But this is a pattern, and it's a bad one. I have to stop doing this. I need to be okay. I've been crying pretty much every day this week, and wanting to cut everyone out of my life. That's not a practical desire or something I would actually do, but it is an urge I get when I am not being nourished. It's a very bad sign.

relationship updates )


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belenen: (vivacious)
winter holidays - thanksgiving, christmas, Solstice, new years
icon: "vivacious (my face, tilted 3/4ths, with a playful smile. you can just barely tell that I'm hugging myself)"

I was intrigued by the fact that when I asked y'all about winter holidays, you mentioned thanksgiving. (many thanks for the answers, btw!) I hadn't thought of it as a winter holiday, but I suppose it is. I loathe thanksgiving; I didn't like it as a child because it meant eating food I didn't really like (the only thing I ever liked was the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie) and doing a shitton of dishes, all for no particular reason, followed by people doing frenzied shopping. I didn't know then that it was based on a whitewashing racist lie, and when I found out the extent to which it was a lie I hated it more. It's fucking awful and shouldn't exist. But I go to Topaz's family gather because I want to show the family that I care about them and my presence at this food sharing day is a way that they can understand that.

I used to love christmas, but even though I was very christian as a child, I didn't associate it with Jesus (and I never believed in Santa as my parents didn't want to teach me a lie, and I never approved of any white american childhood myths except the tooth fairy). What I love is the fairy lights and giving spirit -- it is a capitalist holiday to be sure, but it is also a time when people do try harder than other times to be kind to each other, if they are given to kindness to begin with. I find light and color to be magical and seeing many people participate in sharing colorful light with each other is enchanting to me. I am glad that christmas exists because of this.

Christmas was important to me until I realized what Solstice was, and then all of my feeling for christmas transferred over to Solstice. The day the light begins to return -- there is really nothing more magical to me. Not only do I have SAD which is set off by dark days and cold, but I also worship light as the most tangible form of magic. I celebrate with lights, a decorated tree (living in a pot), presents, and connection with people I love. I love love love that so many of my favorite people have spent the past few solstices with me. I like that there is a nearby holiday that is NOT on my holiday because that means I don't have to work around people's familial obligations, but I still get to revel in all the reflected excitement from others at the same time.

In 2011 Kylei and I hosted Solstice, and it was amazing and cozy and magical and Adi made eggnog and there was a giant cuddle puddle. In 2012 Kylei and I hosted again and it was wonderful and there were fairy lights EVERYWHERE. Last year was my favorite so far -- I hosted and made a gigantic pot of spaghetti sauce (one of my 3 dishes that I am super good at making) and fed EVERYONE and people spent the night and had breakfast in the morning and it had the biggest cuddle puddle ever and a long game of truth-or-truth and I had such excellent presents for people. This year I think it will be even better, because I am closer to many of the people who are coming and they are closer to each other. Also, I won't have any newbies to babysit -- I liked that Aurilion came last year but it split my focus because I was so worried about them having no one but me that they knew, and also worried because they were not someone I could trust to know to ask people before touching, or value a different opinion as equal to their own. I didn't even realize this was a thing until the celebration had begun, which makes me realize how fucking lucky I am in my friendships: that's something I usually don't have to worry about. My house agreements are something I usually share with everyone before they come over but it just didn't occur to me that I might need to go over them with someone I already felt close to. Also I feel happy that Topaz will be able to more fully participate since it's at their house and they won't have to deal with terrible allergies or be sober due to a future drive.

Giving gifts is very important to me. I want to get people things that will have personal meaning to them, that will show them I know them and value who they are. My ideal gift for someone is something that is meaningful to them AND me, that is tailored to them yet something I would also enjoy owning (this is hard to find!). There is a little bit of sacrifice in my best gifts. I like receiving gifts but I like giving them more. If I could give each person something that would make them feel known and loved, I would be happy getting no gifts (as long as people assured me that it wasn't because they didn't care, because being left out stinks). It used to be that if I couldn't find you the perfect gift, you got nothing -- now I tend to try to find some consumable that the person will like, because I like that better.

I don't care much about New Years for myself, but it is very important to Kylei and Abby and thus has significance by proxy -- I like to celebrate with Kylei and Abby in whatever way feels best for them.


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belenen: (adoring)
Who speaks to my soul w their existence? 1st impressions? How do they inspire?
Prompt from Kei-Won-Tia: Who are the people in your life who speak to your soul with their existence and what was your first impression of them? What qualities in them inspire you to better yourself?

There are a lot of people in that first answer! I'll go chronologicallyish, name then first impression then qualities. Remember these are not characterizations just first impressions!

Allison. first impression: small, bouncy, happy, clever, creative. Ze inspires me to get in touch with my more expressive self, and be unabashedly enthusiastic.

Hannah. first impression: brilliant, careful, compassionate, silly, generous, yearning. Ze inspires me to ask prying questions, to seek a more blunt truthfulness, to embrace my tenderness (used to be very difficult as I prided myself on toughness).

SabR. first impression: fierce, wild, bold about beliefs, generous, welcoming, easily angry, confidently creative. Ze inspires me to put more of myself on the line with my art, to be bolder about sharing vulnerable beliefs, to be wild (like a leopard not like a spring breaker).

Aurilion. first impression: too interested in being seen as more evolved than the next to be really honest about anything, loving, seeking (I didn't connect w zir much at all until we met in person). Ze inspires me to believe in my intuition and to be open to possibilities.

Ashe. first impression: sweet, affectionate, loyal to an extreme (I got annoyed with a girl who was deliberately flirting with our crushes but ze was infuriated/outraged and I'm pretty sure hated that person from then on). Ze inspires me to believe in myself - I think ze was the first person to believe in me, which is a huge damn deal.

Anika. first impression: angry, open, curious, creative, clever. Ze inspires me to share more, to yield less, to grow and learn and be unafraid.

Viv. first impression: anxious, eager to explore, cuddly. Ze inspired me to explore my transness, undo my partnership, reconsider my whole life, take emotional risks with no security.

Vola. first impression: quiet, intense, very thoughtful and thorough, determined. Ze inspires me to think (through zir thoughtful sharing) and to be true to the more analytical, ethereal parts of me. This is kinda rare because people tend to like my sensual, affectionate side more.

Nea. first impression: impossibly kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental. I think Nea is still the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known. Ze inspires me in that way and also by being a person who doesn't share many words and yet is as open-hearted as can be. It makes me see more possibilities in people.

Laura. first impression: honest, creative, loving toward everyone but zirself. Ze died last year but continues to inspire me with zir hope in all things. I want to believe. I miss zir so much, I hate that ze's gone.

Angie. first impression: sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met (that initial impression is still true). Ze inspires me to remember that there are still kind people in the world, even when surrounded by cruelty, not everyone becomes cruel. Ze makes me believe in love.

Lisa. first impression: honest, cheerful, directionless. Ze inspires me because I've seen zir take ownership of zir life and unflinchingly examine where ze can change to bring about the life ze wants, and then just fuckin do it. (Not directionless, obv)

Firekat. first impression: opposite of me, adventurous, risk-taking. Ze inspires me to take risks! I've followed in zir footsteps in a lot of ways (not intentionally, but partly given courage by seeing Kat) and been the better for it.

Ben. first impression: argumentative, stubborn, smart, affectionate. Ben inspires me with zir desire to grow and learn. I almost never see this in someone who passes as a privilege-pinnacle person, and it gives me a little hope for the world.

Arizona. first impression: sharp-minded, open to any new idea, enjoying life, stable and secure in zirself. Ze inspires me to believe in my ability to sense magic. Ze was the first to affirm me in that way (we got together because I dreamed we kissed and then I asked zir out as an act of trusting my intuition).

Kylei. first impression: extremely emotional, creative, impulsive, open, affectionate. Ze inspires me to be more open, honor my feelings, follow my heart.

Heather. first impression: friendliest person ever, totally free and kind. Ze inspires me to share (because ze read my ENTIRE journal even the early parts and still liked me) and to see myself as a relatable person even though I get socially overwhelmed sometimes (if it can be true of the friendliest person ever, I must be relatable too).

Abby. first impression: nervous, creative, generous. Ze inspires me to treat emotions as a shared unfolding of knowledge, a collaborative project, and ze inspires me by sharing new knowledge.

Adi. first impression: bold, honest, unafraid. Ze believed in my goodness at a time when I felt everyone would judge me and it made me feel hope that I could be myself without going way out of my way to explain and still have people see me truly.

Topaz. first impression: capable of listening intently and engagingly, caring about social justice, fierce, free, unavailable, sexy as fuck. Ze inspires me to continue learning and attempting to educate others (because ze also self-educates and agrees and supports me) and to go after what I want (because ze believes in zirself and prioritizes zir needs so I feel I can too).

Camellia. first impression: no idea because it was so long ago and ze was just a kid. Ze inspires me to be welcoming, because ze makes me feel like that part of me is appreciated.

Kei-Won-Tia. first impression: distant, loving, self-deprecating, a bit lost. Ze inspires me to practice gratitude, build intentional connections, trust in people, share what I learn.

There are many others, really.

Also all of the good parents I know: Anika, Jess, Clare and spouse, Christine, Issa and Joshua, Mandy, Brian and Sarah, Ksej, others- people raising their children with love and creativity and understanding and freedom, giving them the chance to flourish instead of squashing them into a mold like most progenitors. I feel this very deeply and personally, as if in doing so they are giving me what I never had. It moves me to tears.


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belenen: (tenebrous)
relationships after TBC 2014: Hannah, Kylei, Abby, Adi, Aurilion / community & alienation, isolation
So in February there was this flurry of activity of people coming back into my life, but it mostly stalled out. Now I'm reevaluating all of my connections because I opened the door on the question "what if this never changes?" I realized I'd been expecting some things to change eventually, mostly because people told me that the change was something they wanted. If I say a change is something I want, that is me setting an intention and whether or not the person checks in I'm going to work on it until I get there. I realized other people might be saying "if everything lines up on its own, I'd be happy to connect" rather than "I have a vision of how I want things to be between us and I'm going to work continuously to bring it to pass."

The first person I realized this about was Hannah. It has been literally years since we were close, and even longer since we were close in a continuous way. I feel the difficulty in overcoming depression and I've been waiting for Hannah to be in a place where depression & etc doesn't prevent closeness. I only just realized that that might not be a goal of Hannah's, or it might not be possible, or it might be lack of desire not presence of obstacles, etc, and holding the space just leaves a hole in my soul that hope flows out of, especially when there aren't any signs of change. I emailed zir something short, ze wrote back, and I wrote out my feelings more in depth. Ze said ze read it and wanted to consider before responding, and I haven't heard back. The idea that my friendship with Hannah might be really over is -- fuck, it's foundation-crumbling. There is such a gaping hole where communication is not.

Then I got that feeling about Kylei, because it seems to me like zir life is going in a completely different direction from mine and that made me realize, I've been waiting for zir to be centered and ready to reconnect without the old patterns, and ze might not even have that as a goal. So I messaged zir and we had a long email conversation about it and didn't really find resolution but we're meeting tomorrow to talk. Even though I have told zir over and over that I want to work towards closeness (and have been working on myself to make this more feasible), ze did not believe that I wanted it and had stopped trying. I find that really upsetting; if someone's going to give up I would at least like to know!

And I realized that I've only gotten to spend time with Abby without the presence of overwhelming stress maybe 3 or 4 times. That gave me the understanding of the frustrating draining feeling I get around Abby, even though there is nothing bad happening. It's that I keep trying to connect subconsciously and it keeps not working, but I can feel that there is a possibility for it. I finally brought this to my conscious the day before I left (I was staying with zir during TBC) and shared it and realized that now that it was conscious I could find ways to move into sync and feel connected. But ze lives in CT, so it's very hard to practice this.

And I realized that I have not felt fully connected to Adi in years also, and that as a friend I don't feel like I'm important. I messaged zir today about it. I could work on this consciously too, but ze lives in TX now. I hope there is some kind of long-distance connection we can make, because I miss zir. I didn't realize how much until TBC, when I saw zir for the first time in 6+ months and listened to zir talk in panels and felt such resonance and such longing.

Yesterday and this morning I've been talking with Aurilion about a bunch of stuff, it's all very in the air and pretty upsetting. I felt like we were going in one direction and I feel whiplash about realizing that that is not true.

So, good job me for being open and telling these people how I feel but fuck, everything seems to be going to shit. Also fucking hell why does everyone live so shitting far away. I need, need, need, need ACTUAL locals who prioritize friendship intimacy and spirit/soul/heart connection and aren't too busy to make it happen. I feel like this is never going to exist for me. I hate the divide between ITP and OTP (Atlanta city snobbery and/or lack of access to places outside the perimeter). I hate how it feels impossible to find people I connect with on a deep level. I don't know how to spot them. I don't know where to go. I don't want to look in Atlanta because it's not long distance but the effect is often the same. Everything in my city is so default, it's fuckin gross, but my rent is so cheap, I can't afford to give it up. I hate that my house is not accessible (the only bathroom is up a flight of stairs because the downstairs one was ripped up for renovation and then left that way). I'm so tired of losing everyone, I'm so tired of being far away from everyone, I'm so tired of waiting for change that never comes.

TBC always has the effect of making me reevaluate every relationship (3rd time's a pattern), maybe because it's the one place in the world where I feel like everyone I meet is a potential friend, that they're not going to cherish slurs, insults, and opinions over learning and compassion. (I'm weeping as I write this) I feel community, I feel kinship, I feel noticed, I feel valued, I feel accepted, I feel SAFE, and I feel like I can bring anyone with me and they would feel safe too -- all with mostly strangers!!! I can be queer and genderfree and wear skirts with a 'female' body and be feminist and be trans and be fat and have large unbound breasts and never have my identity questioned or assumed. I can "be that person" and know that other people are going to support me if I call out classism or racism or ableism etc, and sometimes someone else speaks up first (oh Godde how I need that :-(). That only happens for me in my house otherwise.

Someone said that TBC is the one place other than their house where they don't have to leave any part of themselves at the door, and I feel that so fucking hard. So TBC makes me realize how much I need this in my life and how much I don't have it. I'm so lonely and sad. I plan to draft an affirmation and try my best to bring this into reality for myself but right now I'm too mournful. I think the most intense othering I experience is about language: someone says 'bitch' or 'douche' or 'girly' or a racist or ableist slur etc, and I experience it as a slap to my face, spitting on me, saying "I want you and people like you to suffer, fuck you, stay down, I'd like a carpet of you and your kin." And it happens so constantly. People being outright prejudiced doesn't happen that often to me because I am relatively privileged but people revealing their subconscious prejudice with their language happens EVERY TIME I go out of my house. I know that I'm relatively privileged but I never feel community with these shitty white and/or male and/or cis and/or hetero and/or non-disabled people and they're EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. CAN'T YOU JUST STOP PUNCHING FOR ONE DAY. But even if that happened, unless I knew ahead of time for sure that it was going to happen, it wouldn't be a relief because I'd still be tensing waiting for the blow in every interaction.

I should add that there are some good things happening in some of my friendships but this post is long enough so I'll write that later.


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belenen: (waterstar)
love memory bank 1 - Topaz, Camellia, Allison, Viv, Aurilion, Firekat, Heather, Anika, Adi, etc!
Something I've decided to start doing in keeping with LJ being my external memory is to keep a "love memory bank" on my phone to jot down when people make me feel extra-loved, and post that in increments here.

from my birthday to now )


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belenen: (wanderlust)
relationship updates: Topaz, Hannah, Abby, Aurilion, Adi, Kylei, depression, exes with strong needs
With Topaz, things have been quite different because now we're spending a lot more time apart as we're both working. That plus spending time with Topaz' friends and family and my friends (and recently, family) there's just not a lot of time we get just the two of us, and since Topaz doesn't get much down time, a lot of that time is spent on distraction things like shows/movies, or on maintenance things like cleaning/laundry/gardening. It means I miss zir a lot more, even when we are together, but we still connect deeply and often. One thing I've noticed is that ze is low spoons a lot of the time now, but so far that hasn't gone sour; Topaz is pretty good about not taking zir stress out on me. I miss zir such a lot though.

I've been talking to Hannah more which is infinitely relieving but also full of missing. I haven't seen zir in five fucking years, it hurts, I MISS ZIR SO MUCH. But video chat is more satisfying than text chat and we both have the appropriate tools for it now, so at least I get to see zir expressions and hear zir laugh and see zir cuteness. I need zir to come visit me. I'm gonna start scraping some savings together for it.

I've been spending more time with Abby also, which is bittersweet as ze's leaving at the end of this month and won't move back for years, possibly never. I feel like we were together at a time that didn't work because we both needed to learn things and I'm sad that I don't get the chance to try it now, probably never.

Aurilion has been writing me letters and we've been texting occasionally, which is tenuous as always but feels good because having zir absent from my life always feels like a loss.

Adi I haven't seen for ages and haven't had a real conversation with in months. Ze's dealing with work and chronic pain. I hope the situation gets better for zir and I hope we manage to be close. I don't feel like that will happen anytime soon though, which means that I don't feel motivated to initiate.

Kylei I haven't seen much either. Last time we hung out we had a weird post-breakup conversation where ze assigned me some blame that I felt was completely situational (if I do my best and so do you, it's no one's fault). I feel like that happens whenever we don't talk for a while -- I become this bad person in zir mind. I know Kylei was hurt by the breakup but I am confident that I wasn't cruel or careless at all. I don't feel like I can start a fresh connection with Kylei until ze is no longer upset with me about breaking up with zir. But I want to keep in touch enough to tell when/if that happens.

Overall I feel like I have little ability to increase connection with people I already know due to physical or emotional distance, and finding new people is so hard. But I miss feeling more connected.

My depression is improving -- I'm able to give and be supportive without it instantly draining me every time, though I don't have anywhere near the capacity I do when I'm healthy. I've gotten pretty sensitive to when I need to stop, which I hope is a new skill and not just a function of the depression or meds.

I've been thinking a lot about some previous relationships. There's a certain level of need that I cannot handle (especially when I'm depressed), particularly when the person in question wants to meet most of that need with me. Maybe at some point I'll be able to set boundaries and keep them but until I can say "no, get your need met elsewhere, leave me alone until you're less desperate" I need to just not be entangled with people in that situation. Because I want to be able to do all the things and I will just do them without considering until I'm near death from exhaustion. I need to be able to stop myself from taking responsibility for other people's happiness, even when they are actively wanting me to take it.
sounds: Austra - The Noise | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , ,


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belenen: (disassociative)
depression, stopped caring about people & life / state of my relationships w Topaz, Kylei, friends
I haven't written in months because I've been dealing with a depression that is unlike any I've felt before. It started a while ago, not sure how long, but it hit hard with the new year and since then I've had a deep-weeping breakdown at least 8 times and have cried almost every day. It has been an absolutely epic struggle to motivate to do anything at all. I wrote this on January 2nd and it's been something I've felt ever since:

"People have been my reason for living for such a long time and now I just don't care about them. I don't know what direction to take my life now. I'm so frustrated with everyone and want to dump everyone out of my life except for Topaz. I've never experienced this before. What is the point of life if I don't give a shit about people? Is there anything that could even form a focus like that? Is this a symptom of depression? Have I gone too far in centering my life around people and am I now experiencing a backswing? Is there a way to reconnect with caring about them and should I try? Should I take a break from everyone? I don't remember what I centered around before this. Anger? Music? Escaping in books?"

Today I finally managed to message someone in the counseling center at my school about getting an appointment. This feels like a chemical problem in my brain because I haven't suffered any recent trauma and life has been easier than usual, not harder, but it feels near-impossible levels of difficult. I kept hoping it would just stop happening but it hasn't. I can't CARE. Finishing my degree seems pointless because I don't care about the people I could help. I don't feel like people are real (except Topaz). I don't feel like I can invest in a reality that I don't belong to. It's like watching TV; the idea of trying to help those people seems ridiculous because they are only illusions. I don't know why I keep living. I feel like I am waiting for something but I have no idea what and I can't think of anything to look forward to in the future. What the fuck. I feel like someone turned my hope off. The only thing that gives me any sense of hope is the idea of seeing Hannah again, but I know how fucking unlikely that is.

It's pretty weird to be experiencing this at the same time as being deeply in love. I feel so guilty and shitty for being this version of myself, weepy and useless and easy to upset and unable to give much. Topaz deserves the best version of me and I'm pretty sure this is the worst.

So one thing I wanted to start doing that I'm going to do right here and now while I have some motivation is to write monthly about the state of my relationships. I keep going off the rails with things and I want to get long-range views on my relationships before they go to shit.

With Kylei, things are very uncomfortable. We had coffee sometime in January and it seemed good. I felt like we were going to be able to start a fresh way of relating. But then at my birthday gather, after most of the evening had passed, Kylei told me that ze felt like I had been ignoring zir and like I hated zir. I had been just as friendly and interactive with zir as with anyone else (except Topaz), but it seemed very different to zir. I think that is because Kylei is not used to not being my lover, and still has expectations of what our interactions should be like. I do not want that. I don't want to give Kylei attention just because ze wants or expects it or will be unhappy without it. I want to be free to interact as little or as much as I want (but not more than ze wants obv). I can't even connect with affection for Kylei when I'm doing work just to keep Kylei from feeling bad. That's clumsy phrasing but I don't know how to explain it really. I don't want to be needed, I don't want my attention to be needed. There was an imbalance with us and Kylei was depending on me to have zir needs met and seems to still be in that habit. It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to not be able to make eye contact, but except for that coffee in January I haven't been able to handle eye contact with Kylei because it feels like ze's trying to pull something from me. I don't think there is any conscious attempt to do that but I also don't think that habit has been broken.

Relatedly I think that a lot of people who I thought were friends with me were really friends with me through Kylei. Either that or they've gotten tired of me not going to events and have given up on me. It's disappointing but if that's the case, oh well. I've been surprised and touched by those who have stayed in contact and come to my gathers since then.

With Topaz, things are so intense. I've never before gone in to a relationship with so little potential for shared life goals, and that sometimes scares me, but the fact that I can't picture the future doesn't mean that there is none. I fear that when zir career takes off and we're not spending so much time together, I will no longer be happy having no other partners and I fear that if I have other partners, Topaz will invest less in me. But that's a matter of trust, really. I would have trusted Hannah and I don't know why it is so hard for me to trust Topaz. I think I have a hard time believing that our us-ness is as important to Topaz as it is to me. Maybe that's just a function of this depression, maybe it's because we don't have the same safety net of commitment, probably it's both. Maybe it's because we've had so little time apart. I know it is deeply affected by the depression because when I think about it, I know factually that Topaz values me. I've seen the relief in zir when we reconnect, I've seen evidence of zir thinking about me (because of thoughtful gifts and actions), I've seen zir make efforts to understand me and communicate with me in ways that are new to zir. Most of all I have felt it in the way ze touches me; energy flows to me, not just from me. And I've felt it in the way ze responds to my touch -- ze opens up and gives back (to differing degrees, but there's never just a wall).

With Abby and Adi, I feel like we're maintaining a slim connection and I'd like it to be stronger but I don't have the energy to make it so and they don't either. I feel like I'm developing friendships with some of Topaz' friends who spend a lot of time at Topaz' house (where I have been unofficially living since December, while paying rent elsewhere) -- I'm hoping that they'll be friendships that can stand on their own. I feel like my relationship with N/A* is suffering because I'm just not being as invested in it, mostly because of the depression and a little because I feel like individuals in the group don't want to invest in me, and that makes it harder to motivate myself to be involved.

I really really hope I can get some help for this brainbrokenness, because I'm spending all the energy I receive on surviving and that is such a waste.
sounds: Brokenchord - Orion | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (exuviate)
shedding, shifting, movement and temporary endings in my relationships.
Fuck. This past week has changed SO MUCH in my life. I realized on Thursday that I was creating all of the momentum in ALL of my romantic relationships, and that it was draining me entirely. I've been feeling incapable of happiness; even in moments of extreme joy I would suddenly crash and feel disconnected and apathetic. I was worrying that it was a chemical thing and that I needed some sort of medication, which is extremely scary for me because I know of the struggles my people have had in trying to find the right pill (one that didn't just make their problems worse).

I had a long conversation with Kylei on Thursday about our particular set of issues; things that were innocuous that became habits and thus problems; basically I had become Kylei's mood stabilizer, safety blanket, and braindump receptacle, because I often act those functions and without any intention for it, Kylei had grown to expect it. That, combined with Kylei not investing in zirself or in people other than me, led to this loop of need that meant we never got above neutral. I felt like it might be best for us to take a break, but we ended up deciding to try and shift expectations in another way, which is what we're living now. It feels weird but I am hoping it will lead to renewal. I was feeling / am feeling scared that we won't be able to renew our magic, but I am having faith and Kylei said ze was going to work on having faith too.

Then Friday I had a long conversation with Abby about the same thing, realizing that with zir and others I was constantly investing without realizing it, shoring up my feelings which would slowly slip with every day that I didn't hear from them, and fall dramatically every time I found out something significant had happened in their life that they didn't share with me. While I was logically okay with these things, emotionally they damaged my connection every time and I fixed that damage by pouring my own faith-energy into the cracks. It worked, but it left me neutral or negative on energy all the time, and it's been going on for so long that I've forgotten how to manage "more than neutral." I only realized these things after hanging out with Topaz and feeling nourished afterwards instead of sad or just okay. I thought to myself, "healthy connections create energy, this needs to change." So I shared all this with Abby, feeling super-worried that ze was going to be upset with me, but ze was just sad and caring for me, and we agreed to take a break from our relationship (because I can't manage to stop investing energy without that). I want to have a similar conversation with other people whom I'm 'dating' but haven't actually had any significant amount of time with since ... I don't even know. I can't keep trying to make the impossible happen.

And there's this weird selfishness in it where I don't want to give up because I don't want to have my world shrink, which is what it feels like will happen if I break up with people. But that is a shitty reason to stay with people. I need to let things happen in their own time instead of being like NOW NOW NOW GODDAMMIT. I want these things to blossom and flourish but I KNOW that is not going to happen right now and we're delaying the future joys by creating issues now that will have to be healed later.

I also had some fucking astonishing world-shifting beginnings this week, and loads of TBC learning, but those will have to go in further posts.


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
initiating contact / communication patterns w Kylei, Adi, Arizona / talkin w Abby about expectations
There tends to be a disparity in my relationships regarding initiating contact: I tend to do much more of it than the other person, and when that happens for a long period of time, my self-worth takes a nosedive. So my first reaction is to see if the other person is willing & able to do more initiating, and if that's not the case, then I decrease the amount I'm doing until I don't feel bad about it anymore. I get caught in horrible loops if the other person gets upset with me for decreasing, but otherwise it works.

It's strange to me how my relationships shift around in completely unpredictable ways. Currently I'm in romantic relationships with Kylei, Arizona, and Adi. Kylei I live with (and have lived with for the last year and a half) and see every day (on the days where one of us is out of town we tend to have at least one hour of phonetalking per day). Adi is extremely busy as ze's dating five other people, and ze also has ADD so we don't really talk unless we're in person. Arizona is also very busy and not much for distance communication. I have intense emotional/spiritual connections with both of them and ideally I'd like to have the kind of relationships with them where we talked at least via text at least every other day, but I know realistically that that is not going to happen, and I've come to acceptance about it. Lately I've been reflecting on it and while I'm okay with having relationships that are at this low level of communication, it's not very nourishing for me. It IS nourishing, just at a very low level and I'd like to be creating what I want.

But most people don't seem to want that level of communication, or if they do want it they are not able to do it. I was really, incredibly lucky to find Kylei, who wants to maintain our super-communicativeness as much as I do, but I want to develop at least one more bond like this. But it has to be a yearning PLUS ability on the part of the other person and that seems difficult. If Kylei and I didn't live together I don't think we'd have been able to maintain it while Kylei was dating others, because I think Kylei's lack of dating outside the house I was living in was what facilitated us staying connected like that while living apart. That sounds convoluted but I'm not sure how to untangle an explanation.

A month ago Abby and I decided to "officially" reclassify ourselves as friends because our romantic relationship had dissolved due to a mixture of things. I think our relationship began on the heels of a very intense and hurtful relationship of Abby's, and there were a lot of things that Abby needed in zir life in order to heal and ze subconsciously expected these from me. That worked badly with my own issues; a combination of 1) when people have expectations that I fail to meet and they get hurt by it, I feel like renegotiating is not an option and I just MUST do the things, but I can't, and then I feel like shit about myself which means I have less to give, and 2) when someone expects me to give, I don't want to, because I feel like the gift is taken away and it has become a duty. Abby and I met up today and talked about a lot of things, including this aspect of our relationship. I think we've both learned a lot. I've learned that I have a problem with not confronting expectations if they are expectations of things that I would naturally do 95% of the time, but I need to be wary of that and make sure that I'm not falling into old patterns of guilt and taking-on-responsibility-for-someone-else's-happiness (which is not necessarily an action of theirs at all) and stress. Instead I need to be clear and honest with myself and my people; I need to make sure that I give gifts that are received as such, and that if I do not want to give a gift, I don't. And I need to check in with myself regularly and ask, "is there a pattern?" whether good or bad. Kylei is very generous with small favors -- getting me water, letting the cat out, bringing me things -- but I only noticed this as a pattern this past week. Now that I have noticed it as a pattern instead of individual moments, I am much more nourished by it. And obviously if there is a negative pattern I need to notice that in order to change it.

Also I realized that I really missed Abby. Near the end there was so much stress and guilt and hurt for me that I felt relief to be out of contact, but after that went away our connection is still there. When we hugged today I just wanted to stand and hug for like an hour. We're going to work on our friendship, which makes me happy.


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belenen: (osculant)
Adi <3 being in love, strong and deeply rooted already
So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.


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belenen: (osculant)
Adi <3 being in love, strong and deeply rooted already
So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.


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belenen: (satisfaction)
so excited about Adi
Oh my Godde. Being around Adi is fucking intoxicating -- I was at a group dinner for a friend's birthday and was just sitting next to Adi and talking and by the end of two hours I was half-dancing and I've been hyper for the nearly THREE HOURS since I left. I don't know how I am going to manage between now and 1pm on Saturday (when I see zir next).

Also I'm ridiculously lustyyyyyyyy.

Also I'm pretty fucking excited about the 3-person date we have planned Saturday -- me, Kyle, and Adi :D

Also I can't stop bouncing around.

*flails*
sounds: Beats Antique - MLK/MJ MASHUP - w/pied piper and BK2 - Beats Antique | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (Default)

Oh my Godde. Being around Adi is fucking intoxicating -- I was at a group dinner for a friend's birthday and was just sitting next to Adi and talking and by the end of two hours I was half-dancing and I've been hyper for the nearly THREE HOURS since I left. I don't know how I am going to manage between now and 1pm on Saturday (when I see zir next).

Also I'm ridiculously lustyyyyyyyy.

Also I'm pretty fucking excited about the 3-person date we have planned Saturday -- me, Kyle, and Adi :D

Also I can't stop bouncing around.

*flails*
sounds: Beats Antique - MLK/MJ MASHUP - w/pied piper and BK2 - Beats Antique | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (concupiscent)
in love with Adi
ohmigodde. Long, incredibly intimate, surprisingly connate talks about deities and religion and sex and relationships and gender and race. Incredible kisses that fucking intoxicated me. Close sweet cuddles. So many smiles and so much joy. Also a mark on my shoulder that feels like a living spark. I am so intensely excited about this <3

also I am too exhausted to write more right now.
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belenen: (concupiscent)

ohmigodde. Long, incredibly intimate, surprisingly connate talks about deities and religion and sex and relationships and gender and race. Incredible kisses that fucking intoxicated me. Close sweet cuddles. So many smiles and so much joy. Also a mark on my shoulder that feels like a living spark. I am so intensely excited about this <3

also I am too exhausted to write more right now.
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