Some of you may remember the fair that Hannah and I just happened to discover the last day they were in town, which was my first fair. Well, today I gave Viv a ride to a meeting ze was going to, and we just passed right by it! (in a completely different part of town, by the way!) Of course I wanted to go, and Viv happily agreed -- so we went! again at night, again so serendipitously. ♥ (tonight I got a little red lobster to go with my violet seahorse :D)



( photos! )

Tonight I realized that I've dreamed of zir before we met! Here and here and once more (but I didn't write about the third one): my brain was using Adam Lambert as a metaphor for a violet spirit whom I'd not met. The first two times I dreamed of an unnamed person who just looked like zir, but in the last one ze was the singer. Silly me was disappointed -- I didn't get the message, "this is becoming real." In that last one, we kissed -- and I dreamed kisses exactly like Viv's (no one else has ever kissed me that way, so it wasn't a memory of the past!). I remember waking up and daydreaming about those kisses, and now I get them in REAL LIFE. Hence the smirk >;-}

( conflictedness: present, past, & future )

Once my intuition tells me "trust this" for the nth time, it'll sink in. I mean, I met zir in an everything-falls-into-place kind of way, I DREAMED ZIR KISSES EXACTLY, the fair just happened to be there -- how much more do I need?

Very Good Sign #452: ze disagrees with me confidently and matter-of-factly, without getting defensive or offensive. I LOVE THIS!

The cuddle party was amazing! I can't use names because of the confidentiality agreement, so I'll use numbers :D I gave person 1 a backrub; gave person 2 a temples-forehead rub; got a foot massage from person 3; listened to poetry by person 4, danced with person 5 and stroked zir hair; rubbed the arm and back of person 6; exchanged backrubs, held hands, gave a hand massage to, and shared lengthy hugs with person 7; cuddled, held hands with, stroked arms and side, and finger-painted (minus paint) the face of person 8; spooned with person 7 and 8; gave hugs to quite a few others; and puppy-piled & circle-hugged with everyone.

I believe there's an energy exchange involved in touch -- I first realized this when I was massaging a person with MS, and I picked up some of the energy from the disease (I'm assuming, it could have been something else), which overwhelmed me to the point where I had to go in the other room and lay down on the floor (couldn't even make it to the bed), with my ears buzzing so much I couldn't hear, way too dizzy to move. That shook me up! I was a little cautious about touching the head of person 2 (because touching the head/face is the strongest energy exchange) but I felt nothing negative from it (though it could have contributed to my needing alone, grounding time after the party). Person 5 shared strawberry-sweet energy with me when we danced, and when person 7 rubbed my back I felt heat like I've only felt from a skilled energy healer before! Cuddling with person 8 felt like home and flying. Next time I hope to cuddle with new people (though if 7 and 8 are there I will probably spend a lot of time with them again).

My favorite aspect (besides the touch itself) was the asking and answering of questions ( ... )

( another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

Seeing Full Radius Dance (with Shel and Ryan and Shel's friend Amber) was just... earthshatteringly amazing. The first performance they did was "Home," a brand new creation exploring the meaning of home. That was wonderful -- I welled up a few times from the sheer beauty of it. It was so complex that I REALLY want to see it again to understand it more. And THEN they performed "Sacred," a piece on "the inviolability of nature, of religious experience, and of human touch" -- now that made me weep to the point of sobbing! Oh my God/dess, I've never seen anything so beautiful. So much passion! so much intensity! so much tenderness! Truly, honestly, the most beautiful creation I have ever witnessed. And it didn't even feel like witnessing. The dancers were so vibrant that I felt a part of what they were weaving even from where I sat! They finished off with "Passione," which was very exciting and intricate, with feats of strength and agility that made me gasp.

I'm so incredibly awed and deeply humbled that I got the chance to witness this. It feels like I should have had to pay more or wait in huge long lines or something, because this is truly spectacular -- I feel like I went for a walk and accidentally walked through a portal into a faery world. I expected it to be lovely, but I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly magical!

And you know, I was a little worried that integrating dancers who use wheelchairs would be used as a sort of gimmick, or that they'd be the background dancers, but it absolutely was NOT. Instead, the wheelchairs were used like skates in figure skating -- to create entirely new ways of moving -- and the choreography balanced the wheeled dancers with the non-wheeled perfectly. All of the dancing spoke to me of embracing differences and working WITH them rather than trying to eliminate them. Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I didn't get any good photos or videos, partly because of the lighting and partly because I just couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from the stage. I was too busy experiencing it to observe it. But here's a video someone else made: ( Full Radius Dance: Excerpts from 'Passione' )

If you live anywhere near here and you have $15, go see it today (Sat, 6th) at 2pm or 8pm at 7 Stages Theatre. If you have plans, change them -- it's worth it.

( music sharing! )

In this post: Auf der Maur, Massivivid, Sam Sparro, and Yael Naïm (to listen to samples, click on the little black play button before song titles). Each of these only has one album out so far (except for Massivivid, which put out a second album with different people and a completely different sound -- I don't know why they didn't change the name). I'm changing up the format of these posts a little and putting my thoughts with the music instead of all together at the beginning, so read on!



Belenen's favorites -- April/May 2009 (click pic to download a zip of all songs)

(  - - - - - - - - poll & commentary & individual downloads & lyrics - - - - - - - -  )

I was at a house (that I don't recognize) spending time with some [dream-only] friends, when four women walked in. They were very excited about the fact that they had all just been sliced open, had lipids suctioned out, and been sewed shut again. I was horrified but didn't say anything until they added that now their butts needed to be carved to match the front. Then I just EXPLODED, started yelling and crying and telling them how awful it is that they feel the need to chop open their bodies rather than change their minds about them, how they were perfect the way they were. They exploded right back, telling me that I was awful to try and make them feel bad about their choices. Which of course, wasn't my intent, I wasn't even thinking about them at that moment because I was so overwhelmed with the horror of it all. Then I felt bad that I didn't think about their feelings and apologized effusively, wracked with sobs, begging for forgiveness, actually on my knees, and they continued to say nasty things to me. I woke up in a mix of regret and anger that they wouldn't show forgiveness to someone who was genuinely sorry. I suppose if they had to acknowledge the fact that I didn't mean to hurt them, they'd have to consider that I had a motive other than spite for my ranting, and they'd have to wonder what that motive might be. Could it actually be overwhelming terror and sorrow? Would THAT mean that altering one's appearance through surgery (and its cheaper cousins, dieting and restrictive clothing) is a tragedy and travesty rather than a path to self/societal acceptance?

---

I want to update this project with a newer photo set. ( in case you don't have a devArt account )

Because I no longer suffer at ALL from being very-different-from-society's-ideal (aka "fat and ugly"), I forget just how much of a problem it is. I forget how I used to spend every second in public wondering what each person thought of how I looked. I forget how I used to think that every smile sent my way was a snicker at my expense, and every whisper I couldn't hear was a negative comment on my appearance. I forget how I used to wear clothes that smashed my belly flat and poked my breasts high and squeezed my bum tight. I forget how I used to be unable to eat in public for fear of being seen as a glutton. I forget how I used to be unable to eat much at all for fear of getting 'fatter.' I forget how I put random chemicals into my body to burn my fat while I slept. I forget how one parent mocked me and told me to forgo dessert and the other helped me buy weight-loss drugs and praised me when I looked slimmer -- even though I was a size 6 and 16 years old at the time. I forget how I felt guilty and ugly if I went to bed without having worked out that day. I forget how I wore baggy shirts most of the time because I didn't want to 'have to' hold in my belly (and under them wore those squeezy circulation-killing jeans just in case). I forget how I couldn't live with any freedom because I thought I was fat. And for all those reasons and more, I want to remember to speak up for all the people who suffer like I did, to tell them, "guess what? you can have fat and still love yourself! and still be loved! and desired! and still be fit! and most of all, be FREE FROM WORRY about judgment!"

( slowpoke writer, online (delayed) conflict )

I got my hair re-done FINALLY and it looks absolutely amazing. I tried a new dye which is a little too close to purple, not violet, but the cut is absolutely the best I've ever had. It's just the right length in the front (falling an inch below my jaw), super-short in the back, and I had the wonderful idea of getting the hairdresser to undercut the long part so that it will fall close around my face instead of poofing out (I have never EVER wanted 'volume' or 'body' -- I just want my hair to lie close and sleek, please). Photos soon ;-)

I started a dreamwidth account -- belenen Let me know if you also have an account there! (I do not have any invite codes yet, sorry) I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do with my account there yet -- for now it's a backup (with imported comments, YAY!) for my LJ. I do know that I will NOT be moving to DW and leaving LJ. LJ will always come first, I think (I have so many firmly rooted friends here, not to mention a permanent account!). But DW is kinda charming in that it is so fresh and new, and all the people there really WANT to be there, you know, they didn't just get one because it was cool or because a friend told them to. It's more serious and writerly. It makes me wish that LJ had kept the requirement for an invite code! (I signed up with one, if I remember correctly ♥)

I started haiku_gallery, which I thought was such a great idea that I started an LJ version too: haiku_gallery. I'm hoping it'll build because I really enjoy reading and writing haiku!

Also, if you will read a copy of The Mismeasure of Woman by Carol Tavris, I will buy it and mail it to you. (they're quite easy to come by) So if you're interested enough to read at least a chapter, I'm definitely willing to invest the small amount of money and effort. Just email your address to belenen at gmail dot com -- first come, first served. I have a copy already waiting on my desk. Depending on how many requests I get, I may mail them out in increments.

A year ago I wrote a post declaring that I do not believe in gender. Now I KNOW (as well as believe) that gender is a social construct; I am now aware that there is no reliable scientific evidence of brain differences based on sex.

Like most people, you've probably heard of the 'studies' that show that men and women are 'just inherently different' in the way they think (and therefore in the way they behave). I've been suspicious about these for a long time because out of all the people who tried to justify sex roles by biological roles, not ONE actually had done any research on the subject -- they'd just heard it somewhere, you know, and taken it as gospel. I've now done some research on the topic, which I will share bits of in an attempt to encourage you to question this hearsay -- to actually look at these studies with a critical eye.

There have been many studies which attempted to show inherent, biological differences between male and female brains. There are so many problems with these studies that it really boggles the mind; it's as if scientists forget how to do science when it comes to the concept of gender. The first and most obvious issue is that nearly all of these studies are created around the assumption that gender does, in fact, exist. They do not ask the question, "do brains differ based on the sex of the body they are in?" instead they ask, "HOW do brains differ based on sex?" Then studies which show no difference are thus considered irrelevant, and only the studies which DO show a difference are examined. Thus, if five studies are done, three of which show no difference and two of which show a sliiiiight difference, the scientist does not say, "hey, it's most likely that there's no significant difference" -- instead ze looks exclusively at the ones which DO show a tiny difference and then publishes on those! (that's not hypothetical either -- I can't remember the exact number but one set of scientists did several studies, the majority of which showed no difference, and they ignored the majority in favor of the ones that showed difference) ( and if they really can't squeeze any significance out of it, well they just move on to another lobe or hormone. )

And besides the assumptions which do not get questioned despite being unproven, we have the issue of purely bad science. Poor sample sizes, inadequate or inappropriate or NO controls, statistical manipulation, lack of blind and double-blind experiments -- usually a nice mix of all the above. And these absolutely unscientific studies are Big News and get published in national media; not sharing actual data so that the reader could decided for zirself what it meant, but simply stating their interpretation of the data. The reader assumes that the scientist did a good job with the study and takes the article at face value because it fits perfectly with the reader's world view. And thus hearsay becomes a 'well-known fact.'

I really can't explore all of the ridiculousness that is sexist science, but I'll give you ( a prime example )

Also! Even socially-induced differences are not nearly so large or immutable as people tend to believe. For instance, boys and girls have equal math scores if you throw out a few outliers and control for the number of math classes taken. Men are every bit as nurturing as women; in a study* of single parents, the males were just as good at caretaking as the females (but in married couples the children usually had only one nurturer). And the males in that study became single parents through circumstance, not choice. Another study* showed that women are every bit as warlike as men (though they differ in their reasons to go to war). Women are often considered more intuitive -- to the point that it is common for people to refer to 'women's intuition' as if a vulva has anything to do with it. A study* on the behavior of men and women in leader/follower positions showed that a better term would be 'subordinates' intuition' because the follower in each group was more sensitive to the leader's cues than vice versa, regardless of sex.

* Representative example -- for more, read The Mismeasure Of Woman.

I recently finished reading two very in-depth books that examine many, many studies on the subject.

12. Mismeasure of Woman: Why Women Are Not the Better Sex, the Inferior Sex, or the Opposite Sex by Carol Tavris (non-fiction)
( ... )

16. Myths of Gender: Biological Theories About Women and Men by Anne Fausto-Sterling (non-fiction)
( ... )

( if you're thinking about arguing with me... )

screening new comments, will unscreen when I get time to respond!

I had my first experience with a ... sleazy females-are-consumables gay-voyeur today. I was driving along with windows down (as I prefer unless it is freezing cold) in my car with the ( awesome bumper stickers: )

and some patriarchy-cloned male person pulled up next to me and this conversation ensued:

RD: random dude (I'm using the term 'dude' in the sense that this person is a specific kind of person -- the kind who follows the training of masculinity, thus seeing female people as objects designed for use by males)
me: obviously

RD: "hey, are you gay?" (I think ze just saw rainbows and thought, "GAY")
me: "... not exactly." (thinking, "what a stupidly bi-ignorant question -- how do I respond to that??? 'No' isn't true but neither is 'yes'!")
RD: "You're hot."
me: "uhhhh........thank you..?" with a scrunched brow and a headshake (thinking, "dammit, why can't I think of an appropriate comeback?")
RD: "if you are gay, would you hook up with me?"
me: "No!" (relieved to have an easy answer and also WTF, does ze not know what gay MEANS?)
RD: "why not?"
me: "because 'you're hot' is not a line that really works for me."
RD: *starts to say something else*
the light: *finally turns green*
me: *drives away*

( aaaaand the right responses )

( dream about aurilion )

Then there was something about a road trip with my partner's family (which, ironically, I have not been invited along on since I got together with my partner). I ended up playing basketball with a bunch of male people I used to know as a teenager and one whom I didn't -- Zach Braff, who was 6'5" and very good at basketball (which completely shattered my world view, heh). I was wearing this little denim miniskirt (which I had indeed worn to play basketball one time when my then-crush/now-partner's family came over to my biofamily's house for lunch) and kept falling over (the skirt wasn't tripping me up but something was wrong with my balance and I just couldn't stay upright -- I wasn't wearing high heels but my balance was altered as if I were). Then I discovered that the ball had deflated and one of the people I was playing with blamed me and very rudely demanded that I go get it pumped up again. I was offended (because I was already planning to do that even though it was NOT my fault -- they had been playing with it deflated the whole time even though that meant they couldn't dribble) and hurt, and said, "You didn't have to be so rude about it!" (in an assertive way, not petulantly) and went off to find the proper equipment.

While looking, I got lost in this maze of a house which was all windows -- even on the inside walls (though those were curtained or translucent so they couldn't be seen through) and someone was talking about how it was a Georgian style (like the state, not the king or country). It had been made into a school, so I went to the principal's office to call around and find where the sports supply room was. Anika was in there on the phone with zir partner and I said something to zir and then 'remembered' that we had gone shopping for dishes (wtf?) and I had borrowed money which I had forgotten to pay back (wtf? borrowing money is like a red blinking light in my brain -- I can't forget!).

Then somehow I was in the ocean, learning about the ways of mermaids ( how they can switch back and forth between tail & gills / legs & lungs )

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

When we were out last Saturday, Kat K suggested I might be an "Indigo" after I spoke about something intuitive/precognitive (can't remember what it was now). I responded by saying that I believe everyone has intuition, and both Ash and Kat K disagreed. I've been thinking about it since then.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in "indigo" "crystal" "rainbow" or super-psychic children, or more accurately, I don't believe those things are inborn traits of certain special people, but that they are traits which ALL human beings have the potential for. Most people simply refuse to believe in or develop them -- despite experiencing aspects such as déjà vu (sometimes that's just remembering a similar situation, but sometimes it is remembering an important aspect of your life purpose, which I believe you knew before birth), precognitive dreams, a 'bad feeling' or a 'good feeling' or an urge to contact someone or knowing who is calling before you look at the phone or other things that are not considered aspects of intuition/psychic ability even though they are. The only children who are not "indigo" or "crystal" are those who have already been stamped into hiding those qualities -- through parents or peers who repress them. No child is born without these gifts, and no adult lacks the ability to draw them out and develop them. ( the traits are not appearing for the first time; they are being recognized and appreciated for the first time )

I am wholeheartedly and fiercely equalist in spiritual matters as in everything else. Every single person is just as gifted as everyone else. I think believing in special gifts for a select group is elitist and serves to cause those who believe themselves to be 'gifted' to be lazy, as they feel they were born with their gifts and don't need to develop themselves, and it causes those who don't believe themselves to be 'gifted' to feel helpless and not bother to develop themselves because they think it has no point. Believing that traits are inborn rather than self-created causes people to stagnate.

I do understand the draw of the concept -- it is wonderful to feel part of a group, especially part of a group that is better than everyone else. But like all exclusionary groups, it divides more than it draws together. Instead of feeling a kinship with the whole world, a person who believes themselves to be "Indigo" feels a kinship with other "Indigos" and feels no kinship or a lesser kinship with the rest of humankind (or sees them as 'less evolved' and in need of guidance by the more-evolved "Indigos"). It's natural to be more drawn to people who are like you -- but deciding this on a group basis rather than an individual basis is discriminatory.

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

So, in the past few days I learned that I'm probably not going to be able to move to the city which I wanted to live in (at least, not anytime soon) and my lover Aurilion broke up with me. I'm not crushed by these things because I see them as postponed rather than lost, but they've really drained me nonetheless... I just haven't had much energy for anything.

I just realized that the day before Aurilion and I took a break from talking, I had a dream which among other things featured Aurilion and I falling out of an extremely high tower -- which is the scene on the Tower tarot card. I didn't know that until I was flipping through a book on tarot that I happened to get the other day, and saw an image that startled me with how much it looked like my dream (there was even lightening, in the form of 'bad ascended beings'). Apparently the Tower card means "False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once." In the dream, I figured out how to fall in such a way that the fall did not kill or even seriously injure me (or Aurilion, as I explained how to do it and ze did the same). That's pretty incredible now that I think about it... and it fits with other changes too.

( dream (drawn to giant wide person) )

( I was considering not posting this, and then I read today's Note from the Universe... )

The other day I wrote that "I feel like I do too much listening and I have forgotten how to speak. I feel lost, mute." I've been reflecting on that... I think it's a pattern that has several causes.

First, I'm quite simply very good at listening. I'm not sure how I developed this skill -- maybe by working really hard to get my partner to talk? -- but when I listen, I do so in a very active way. I pay close attention, take in everything I can, reshape it to fit in my mind, ask questions to make sure I've understood and to prod for deeper sharing, and express any thoughts that the other person's words might spark. Because I am skilled at this, it's really easy for me to sort of slip into the role of listener. (and yes I am aware that I am not being modest at all and am maybe being arrogant, but I'm pretty sure that it's just plain true)

Also, my life doesn't have a great deal of variety or stress, so I don't feel a lot of urge to share things that have happened to me during the day. Most people I talk with do experience a lot of variety and stress, so they simply have more immediate things to talk about, which is fine of course, but it becomes habit. Then when I DO have an eventful or emotional day, I tend not to talk about it because the subject is already the other person's life, and because they aren't showing interest I feel like they don't care. Which is irrational, because how are they to know that this day is different? But I feel that way anyway. And then when I do share it comes out like a volcano because I haven't had that kind of outlet in so long. And then I get disappointed if I share and they don't listen to me the way I listen to them. But instead of confronting this by saying, "look, I need you to really think about what I am saying and respond with questions and thoughts, not just a nod or 'uh-huh.' I need to be shown that what I am saying is important and interesting to you; I need to feel that you are engaged with me like a dance partner, not watching me like an audience." (which is pretty hard when I'm not pausing for breath...) I just react immaturely with a "they don't care, why am I wasting my time and emotion sharing?" and I become less likely to share next time. Which is really unfair, because I wasn't born with this skill! and how can they even have a chance of learning if no one points out that there is a way they could improve?

If it's not active listening I feel like my sharing is just feeding a void... which is part of the reason I like to write. That way, at least I can 'listen' to myself, and I think people find it easier to do active listening when they can take their time and think about it. And I don't have to know if they're uninterested, and they're less likely to fake being interested because there isn't the worry of seeming 'rude.'

This has been a pattern for years but it has gotten especially bad lately... ( ... )

open, close; fish mouth
is any sound coming out?
are your ears for me?

...Far Far by Yael Naïm...
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside

take a deep breath and dive -- there's a beautiful mess inside

mermaiden wrote a post about food for pets, which got me thinking about cat food and searching for info. I had done a little research before, ( what I did and didn't know )

When I first brought it home, Kanika could smell it through the bag and got excited! so cute! Ze's been on the new food for about three days now, and ze actually seems happier. Just as playful as usual, but friendlier (not so inclined to dart off if you reach to pet zir), and more tolerant of hugs/cuddles and even holding. Not a huge amount of difference, but noticeable -- and I'm hoping it will increase. When I was feeding zir Maxximum, ze would sniff at it when I put it in the bowl and then leave it. With Trader Joe's, ze would sometimes sniff-n-go, but sometimes have a bite or two -- but with Wellness, ze has a good-length munch session immediately after I put it in the bowl!

I also tried it myself and found that it's actually pretty tasty! They say it's human-grade, and you can tell, f'sure. I tried my cat's food way back when my parents were buying the cheapest food possible and boy was it nasty, with an aftertaste that lingered after brushing my teeth. Now I know that there were probably beaks and feet and who-knows-what-else in there and UGH grosssssss.

It's also pretty pricey as cat food goes (about 2.5 times as much as the previous kind), but considering that a month of food is about three coffees, it's definitely within our ability. There was a time when it would have been hard but I think even then I would have wanted to get it if I had known (even would have sacrificed some of my treasured coffee trips!). I'm happy to be able to get the good stuff without difficulty (and know what 'good' is) now ;-)

Anders Zorn

Zorn is a painter after my own heart. Ze's probably most famous for zir portraits -- but it is zir nature nudes that I love so much. They have a softness and a rawness about them, and it feels like ze painted the plants and water with as much care as ze did the humans. The woods and shores feel real and alive, not just convenient backdrops for the models. I love the use of color in zir paintings -- it feels so warm in the indoor settings, and so fresh and breezy in the nature settings. But zir use of line is also really incredible -- ze was a prolific etcher, and the prints from zir etchings capture me almost as much as zir paintings.

I am enchanted by zir work -- I think mostly because ze wanted to capture life as it was, not pretty it up and pose it. I see two sides in zir nudes: the gritty, warm, messy aspect of humanity, captured in the indoor nudes which are usually in a state of preparation or cleansing, and the wild, fresh, pure aspect, captured in the nature nudes which are in a state of exploration or relaxation. I love both ♥



( etched and painted nudity, possibly NWS if classical art is too naked? )

We went to Atlanta with the intention of seeing the Tutankhamun exhibit which elya kindly got tickets for as a belated birthday present to me, but we got COMPLETELY LOST because I got directions to the High Museum (where it was last time) and not the Civic Center, so we parked at the High and started walking... 30 minutes later we looked at a map and realized we were only halfway there, and the ticket is only good for a certain entry time. I was very upset, cursing and on the edge of tears because Egypt is of great spiritual significance to me and this would be the SECOND time I had missed my chance to connect with it here. My partner comforted me by promising that we'd get tickets and go before the exhibit ends in May (this is a big sacrifice because ze hates going to Atlanta and the tickets are expensive). So as not to waste the day, we went to the Botanical Gardens by following the signs I'd spotted on our walk (surprisingly easy! we actually didn't get lost!).



( on the way down, walking through Atlanta, and exploring the gardens )

( in the conifer garden I met the most amazing tree... )

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )

do you know of anything that smells like myrrh, cinnamon, dragon's blood, cedar, cloves, and maybe a touch of vetiver? that would be my purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect scent. I'm practically swooning just thinking of it. If you don't know of that exact blend, any recommendation that's strongly myrrh and/or woodsy-with-a-little-snap would be appreciated. Or any combination of the above that doesn't include floral or vanilla notes (ugh). I've already tried BPAL's "Serpent's Kiss" and "Bloodlust" -- I like them but want to try something new.

( my current list of 'to-try' BPAL scents (let me know what you think of them if you've tried any, and tell me if you have any imps for swap or sale!) )

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would love even as a single note: myrrh, cinnamon, dragon's blood, cedar, white ginger, mimosa
love in mixes/moderation: clove, vetiver, cardamom, almond, pine, sassafras, sandalwood, cypress, redwood, juniper, gardenia, amber, honey, honeysuckle, patchouli, pepper, nutmeg, lime, iris, lemon, grass, smoke, musk. (I can ONLY tolerate crisp, citrus-y floral notes, and then only in moderation)

What are your favorite scents?